By Edward McClelland
“Mount Prospect Chamber.”
“Hi. I’m thinking of looking for a place to live in Mount Prospect, and I’m trying to find out how high the mountain is and whether it interferes with TV or radio reception.”
“The mountain is about . . . 400 inches high.”
“Oh. I thought Mount Prospect was named after a mountain.”
“We are in Mount Prospect, but there is no mountain.”
*
“Buffalo Grove Chamber of Commerce.”
“I’m trying to find out where to go in Buffalo Grove to see the buffalo.”
“What buffalo?”
“Aren’t there buffalo in Buffalo Grove?”
“There used to be buffalo here. In the 19th century. This was a farming community in the 1840s and there were buffalo then. We have buffalo statues around town, but there are no buffalo.”
*
“Elk Grove Village Chamber of Commerce.”
“Can you tell me where in Elk Grove Village I can see the elk graze?”
“Can you hold for a minute?”
(Pause.)
“On the corner of Arlington Heights Road and Higgins, right across the street from Hoskins Chevrolet. There’s a parking lot by the forest preserve, and it’s not guaranteed, but more often than not, elk come by.”
“Well, you’re better than Buffalo Grove.”
(Laughs) “Why, because they don’t have any buffalo?”
*
“Village of Willow Springs.”
“Hi. Can you tell me how to get to the springs?”
“Willow Springs?”
“The springs that the village is named after.”
“I don’t know. Do you want someone’s voice mail?”
“Are there any springs?”
“Like hot springs? No.”
“OK. Thanks.”
*
“Chamber of Commerce.”
“I’m thinking of looking for a place to live in Carol Stream, and I’d like to know if there are any housing developments near where the stream flows.”
(Irritated pause) “There isn’t a stream.”
“Oh. Then how did Carol Stream get its name.”
“That’s someone’s last name.”
“Oh. Thank you.”
“Bye-bye.”
*
“Chamber.”
“Hi. I’m thinking of moving to Vernon Hills, and I’d like to know which neighborhoods are up in the hills.”
(Amused) “There actually are no hills. There may be a few little mounds.”
“So there are no hills in Vernon Hills? You could be in trouble for truth in advertising.”
“Well, Vernon Hills is kind of a romantic-sounding name. Are you familiar with what prairie land looks like?”
“Kind of flat and grassy?”
“Yeah. Vernon Prairie might be a better description.”
*
“Northbrook Park District.”
“I’m trying to find out where I can fish in the brook.”
“When? Not now.”
“In the spring.”
“It’s just catch-and-release.”
“Where’s the brook located?”
“Off Sanders and Dundee.”
“And you just have to have an Illinois fishing license.”
“I believe so.”
“Thanks.”
*
“Mayor’s office.”
“I’m coming to visit Blue Island and I’m trying to find out if there’s a bridge to the island or if you have to take a ferry.”
“No. Just normal streets. There’s no water you have to go over.”
“Oh, so it’s not actually an island?”
“No.”
–
Posted on March 28, 2006