By The Beachwood Adult Halloween Affairs Desk
Scott Buckner is doing grown-up trick-or-treating this Halloween. I’m going door to door with just a shot glass.
– Buckner’s Facebook feed
Not bad, Buckner, but don’t stop there.
* Dress in rags and say you’re the City of Chicago budget.
* Do your trick-or-treating the following day as a CTA bus or train. Because you’re never on time.
* Dress like a Chicago cop and lug around a car battery and some jumper cables. You’re Commander Jon Burge!
* Dress like a fish and smack people in the head when they answer the door. Tell them you’re an Asian carp.
* Buy a Barack Obama mask. Go around stealing everyone’s candy and give it to people working in banks.
* Dress yourself in fairy wings, a tiara, and a magic wand. Tell everyone you’re a Republican.
* Dress up like an ass and tell everyone you’re Todd Stroger. Don’t worry – everyone in Cook County will know who you are.
* Screw this going door to door shit. Just dress up like a parking meter, sit down curbside on any Chicago street, and go home with $2,800 in quarters by the end of the day.
* Dress up like The Great and Powerful Oz and tell everyone you’re Michael Madigan.
* Dress up like God and tell everyone you’re Rahm Emanuel.
* Just wander about aimlessly yelling at the sky and tell everyone you’re a Tea Party candidate. Or Glenn Beck.
* Wrap yourself in last week’s newspaper and say that you are today’s Sneed column.
* Go as Jesse Jackson Jr.’s career – cover yourself in ashes and your own self-entitled excrement.
* Put blinders on, fill your ears with cotton, defiantly fold your arms and go as the Holdout Juror.
* Go as Rod Blagojevich in Prison – spend all Halloween cowering in the corner muttering “Not in my hair!”
* Go as an alderman – dress as a sheep in handcuffs
* Go as Oprah. Once you get your candy, tell everyone to fuck off and move to Los Angeles.
* Dress as a bank. Go around kicking homeless people out of their cardboard boxes and take their stuff.
* Go as a Tribune Company executive. Tell any attractive woman giving you candy that she has nice tits.
* Cover yourself in shredded paper and say that you are what’s left of the Trib’s dignity.
* Dress up like Ricketts family and instead of begging for candy, go door-to-door seeing if you can unload Carlos Zambrano on someone.
– Scott Buckner, Drew Adamek
Comments welcome.
Posted on October 14, 2010