By Tim Willette and Natasha Julius
If You Are A Republican:
* It sure is. Every day’s a nice day with a Republican in the White House.
* No, I wasn’t eavesdropping on your conversation, and neither is the White House.
* That’s great news. You know, speaking of operations that are both necessary and turned out well in the end, I hear the situation in Iraq is really looking up.
* Of course they’re foot-longs. Thanks to the latest tax cut passed by the Republican-controlled Congress, I can afford the very best in processed meat foods.
* I’m sorry to hear that. Do you know what else died? Traditional family values, because the Democrats killed them.
* That’s a good one! And how about that liberal media?
* Congratulations! Hey, guess who else wants to get married and make a mockery of your holy union?
* Well, I’d feel a lot better if the Democrats would let us end our addiction to foreign oil and explore our domestic potential.
* There is no mess, and anyway, what’s your plan to clean it up?
* Put more charcoal on the grill. There’s an infinite supply in back, I’ll bet.
* Of course there’s no ice. The damn tree-huggers won’t even let us open the Alaskan Arctic Wildlife Refuge for that!
* Salsa picante? But this is America!
* It’s sure getting dark out here. It’s as if after about, oh, say 9:11, the whole world changes, and our way of thinking has to change too.
If You Are A Democrat:
* Sure, it’s a little cool out. Let’s enjoy it while we can. If the Republicans keep denying the human roots of global warming and allowing industry to burn fossil fuels like there’s no tomorrow, we’re not going to have many more days like these.
* I don’t want to offend anyone, but I think the parking situation is turning into a bit of a quagmire.
* I understand your anger, and you make many good points, but although it’s true that I am not entirely satisfied with the rising level of hunger and destitution in this country and elsewhere, I also appreciate the tough challenges that corporate executives face every day. So, while I must respectfully disagree with your belief that I am a communist, I believe we can find common ground, possibly on whether I am a “fucking” something-else.
* Three kinds of mustard? Wow, that’s almost as complicated as the Republicans’ Medicare prescription drug scheme!
* No one’s going for the potato salad, huh? It’s got a lower approval rating than President Bush!
* In the spirit of national unity, I think we should just call them “chips.”
* No, I missed that game. I was too busy looking for the weapons of mass destruction the Republicans promised us.
* I would have tried harder to get the keys away from him, but he called me names. Yes, I realize it’s your car.
* God bless you. Did you notice I said “God,” not a secular foreign word like “gesundheit?”
* I agree, the War on Drugs is going quite well.
* Yes, I’m a vegetarian, but I don’t want them to know that.
* It’s not that I don’t believe in anything. It’s just that I’d rather ask around a little bit before I commit.
* I’m sure we can find some middle ground in this argument. Why don’t we poll everybody here and just go with whatever they say?
Posted on July 1, 2006