By Scott Gordon
Essential to the tale of The Passion are the extras – the onlooking good pagans (and, the devout might point out, bad Jews?) who jeered and roared as the LORD got His flesh ripped off and took an unwanted peek at the devil baby. Who would those folks be today? Maybe you. Maybe me. Yet instead of attaching ourselves to that savage, sadistic horde, many of us prefer to liken ourselves, even if secularly, to those who stood by Christ til the end. Come the hell on – the guy had a respectable following in his day, yet the Roman Empire and its horrific entertainments clearly hogged the market share.
During Holy Week and on Easter, Christians effectively lock away the part of themselves that shares the mob’s festive bloodlust. What about those of us who wish to air it? Crucifixion used to be a party, dudes! Some wish to join the few; the rest of us would rather be dunking our heads in earthen wine jugs and playing Biblical-times stickball with leftover skulls. So let’s take back Easter. We’ll call it Crucifest.
Crucifest and Easter observers should be able to find a middle ground in the harmlessly debauched nature of their respective holidays. Should there be a surplus of creme eggs, marshmallow animals, or honey hams, Crucifesters will supply extra demand, reducing the need for less-profitable post-Easter clearance sales. Beyond that, truces be damned. In true mob spirit, Crucifest should be lawless and without standards or strict rituals, but here’s a proposed starter plan for your first Crucifest bash:
* Clearly, like any other group of celebrants, Crucifesters will eventually split into factions. So here’s a little ritualistic centerpiece for us to schism over: Begin your party late Crucifest Eve and, at the stroke of midnight, lead a Passion procession up your front hallway/carport/estate driveway. Christians in some places mark Easter with ritual self-crucifixions – often including actual fricking nails – so you’ve got to make yours snazzier and sexier. Personally, I urge you to use ropes (for insurance purposes, though any sturdy fastener will do), but make sure the LORD’s one remaining undie shroud (male-stripper agencies, take note) is conspicuous and revealing. And if you’ve got access to an actual hill (your local Parks Department will be thrilled), that’s even better.
* Hell, dapple on some neon face-paint tears and give Him a crown of glued-together Easter-basket grass.
* Once your victim’s hanging in front of everyone, the party can pretty much flow around Him. Feed Him beer, dare your friends to eat Peeps off His nipples, or just ignore Him like you do the rest of the year.
* Have your “Pilate” wash his hands in baby oil and playfully smear it upon the LORD’s torso for a glistening finish; a nice gaudy red light bulb would look great on this.
* Don’t forget to gamble for His clothes, dipshit!
* To get your guests riled for the Passion proceedings, mix up a special Passion Punch. We’ll leave the details to you.
* What to eat? Middle Eastern catering.
* “Chase the Bunny”: One of you’s got a bunny suit. The rest have cricket bats. Go.
* Monty Python’s Life Of Brian is, of course, the ideal sobering-up film for the occasion.
* Did we mention Biblical-times stickball with leftover skulls?
–
READER RESPONSE:
1. From Kiah Pierson:
This is in response to the appalling article published April the 7th, in the year of our Lord 2007.
CRUCIFEST?? What the Hell kind of paper are you running here? By thunder, I’ve seen some ridiculous things in my day, but CRUCIFEST has got to be right up there with crotchless panties and Chinese finger traps as the most pointless and stupid. I hope whoever agreed to publish this thing owed a senator a favor, because the continued employ of Scott Gordon can only otherwise be construed as a complete lack of taste and judgment.
Who in their right mind would agree to be tied to a cross and smeared in baby oil? Only a heathen, good sir, and aside from that, a communist. The continued printing of material such as Gordon’s would suggest you and your paper support the subversive efforts of both groups. Why? Without God and the America he founded, there would be no internet tubes for you to clog up with this insane ranting, most likely the fever dreams of a squat lady-boy with a baby face and serious dependence on hallucinogens. Continuing to give him or his type an outlet to spew their blasphemy only shows the kind of liberal rag you’re running.
Well, the word is out now, sir! I’ve spent all morning linking this article to Christian online media outlets, letting them know how slanted your paper is and to BOYCOTT it and their ADVERTISERS at every available opportunity. No one with half a brain and an eye for actual FACTS and REPORTING will pay you or your corporate masters half a notion now, and we won’t until you post a public apology and offer an opposing viewpoint to keep your business fair!
I hope your holidays were more civilized than Scott Gordon’s, and God bless you.
(publish this if you have the nerve!)
Editor’s Note: Kiah wrote us from ohgoditshotinmyeyeitsallsticky@yahoo.com
Posted on April 7, 2007