By Carl Mohrbacher
Sunday’s game was supposed to provide a payoff to the stupidest debate since caveman Oog tried to convince caveman Drak that poison berries were a more effective method of hunting dinosaur than rolling a massive boulder on to the beast.
Both options were tried, the T-Rex lived and the village was still devoured by raptors in the last week of the hunting season. So who was right? The guy with the boulder.
You go with the best weapons available and let the Triceratops chips fall where they may.
Drak cares not for berries! As true now as it was 4,900 years ago.
For those of you not able to pierce my vague innuendo, we’re examining Jay Cutler’s return to the starting lineup and more importantly the perception of the quarterback position coming out of the Browns game.
Going in, many felt the Bears should have ridden the hot, steady, Norse-looking hand.
Others prefer a signal-caller who has roughly the same reaction to school shootings as he does to accidentally pouring skim milk onto his cereal.
I haven’t talked to anyone since Sunday who was in favor of Cutler or McCown who changed their mind, though I maintain that the 17 replays of Cutler’s two interceptions provided by Fox might have had something to do with that.
All the same, it merits a follow-up. Let’s examine QB1 and QB1(a).
Cutler: Despite rust, threw three TDs and had a passer rating over 100 versus Cleveland.
McCown: Threw zero INTs and kept teammates warm inside his cloak of fur and humility.
*
Cutler: Credited publicly by the offensive line for seeking their counsel before returning from injury.
McCown: Credited publicly by the offensive line for releasing the ball in under 6 seconds.
*
Cutler: Shrugged in disinterest when someone informed him that a website dedicated to photo-shopping cigarettes onto his likeness may have generated a six=figure revenue in 2013.
McCown: Made $76,000 selling T-shirts for Smokin’ Jay Cutler.
*
Cutler: Youngish, big upside, less predictable and a steep price tag.
McCown: Looks like old Dolf Lundgren, even when compared to present-day Dolf Lundgren, but the good news is that at 35-years-old, he costs less than Dolf Lundgren.
*
Cutler: Found that heaving the ball skyward in the general direction of Alshon Jeffery leads to points.
McCown: Generously told Jay that the secret to his success was heaving the ball in the general direction of Jeffery. To prove it, McCown brought Cutler to Blackjack’s Gentlemen’s Club, where he tossed a Nerf Turbo at the stage while local favorite Faksimile was grinding out her daddy frustrations to The Cult’s “Fire Woman.” Before that thing could hit the ground, Alshon Jeffery flew out of nowhere to haul in the pass*.
So who’s the right fit?
When the Bears are competing against the Detroit Lions for an opportunity to lose in the first round of the playoffs, anyone is!
Just kidding, that’s a cop-out.
It’s Cutler. It was always Cutler. There’s no incentive to attempt a playoff push with anybody but Cutler, barring injury.
He’s the Bears’ No. 1 quarterback because he’s a No. 1 quarterback. Maybe eight other teams in the league have a better option. Hell, he might be the closer for the Sox next year.
McCown is the clear starter on the Browns, Jags, Jets and Vikings . . . and also probably the Sox. I have no idea what their game plan for catcher is in 2014.
Flexible
Next up on the agenda is playing football against the Eagles in a (gasp) possible first-round playoff preview. Not joking.
As such, the game has been “flexed” to Sunday night, which means that a whole new audience of people assuming that the Steelers or Patriots are on will be introduced to the Eagles.
In fact, I’ll be introduced to the Eagles.
Somehow I’ve gone the whole season without seeing Nick Foles, a quarterback whose official photo looks like somebody used Microsoft’s “Paint” to impose a picture of their nephew’s head onto a fake Sports Illustrated cover with the headline “I Get A Real A Kick Out Of My Nephew Stanley.” I was expecting a black guy in a Kevlar vest.
Yes, I thought R. Kelly circa 1993 was starting for Philly.
Turns out he’s not, which is a relief because the last thing we need is for Mr. Bump N’ Grind to have a big game against the Bears and start a mass debate regarding whether to re-sign Josh McCown or clear cap space to get R. Kelly un-trapped from the closet and into a Bears uniform.
Kool-Aid (5 Out Of Five Glasses Of Fish House Punch)
The Bears have played their way back into the realm of the interesting. A win, coupled with losses by the Lions and Packers = playoffs.
As mentioned above, there’s also a legitimate chance that both the Bears and Eagles win their divisions, which could match up the two horribly flawed teams in the first round. So a win this week could essentially catapult Chicago into a winnable first-round match-up.
Or the Bears could be ripped to shreds by any other contender in the first round.
Until then, enjoy the slog to the finish!
Drinking Game Of The Week: Pound a beer every time Cris Collinsworth says something that indicates he’s shaking his head in disbelief; why aren’t the Eagles running more, how could Jay Cutler throw that ball, this kind of tackling is enough to make a coach pull his hair out, and so on.
The Bears defense is not good, but it can create turnovers. I think Foles hits a rough patch and Tim Jennings has a big day against the diminutive DeSean Jackson.
Offense abounds, Bears win in a shootout.
Bears 35
Eagles 33
–
*To be fair, Faksimilie was playing a deep cover 2 shell and it’s difficult to take a good line to the receiver when your tits keep hitting you in the face.
–
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on December 19, 2013