A Beachwood Special Report
* Due to furloughed conductors, CTA trains now driving themselves.
* Due to suspension of call center contracts, 311 operators will no longer stand by.
* Chicago Police now not responding to 911 calls from home.
* Federally funded portion of Rahm Emanuel’s f-bombs temporarily suspended.
* State and city will no longer be able to keep up with its pension contributions.
* With the city now unable to offer cash for gun buy-back programs, it will instead simply exchange lower-caliber weapons for higher-caliber weapons.
* Although construction projects along 90/94 and other major thoroughfares have not been halted, orange pylons have been replaced by chairs workers are bringing from home.
* The United States Postal Service is not taxpayer funded but has started delivering mail on time and to the correct addresses just out of spite.
* Lincoln Park Zoo’s gorillas have been furloughed; several have registered as City Hall lobbyists.
* The surveillance chip on your Ventra card has been turned off pending re-authorization of funding. Or has it?
* Furloughed hired truck drivers ordered to stop pretending to drive trucks.
* Furloughed building inspectors ordered to stop pretending to inspect buildings.
* Loopholes in school closings moratorium now blamed on feds.
* Due to air travel reductions, Barbara Byrd-Bennett will fly home to Cleveland each weekend on a private plane instead of United.
* To make up for lost federal revenue, city inks blue light camera deal with pay-per-view provider.
* Air traffic controllers’ training shortened to just watching this film.
* Federal trials now held at the Des Plaines oasis.
* Area Asian carp furloughed until further notice.
* Unable to pay roaming charges, feds turn wiretaps off.
* TSA strip searches at O’Hare and Midway will now just be from the waist down.
* Cubs furlough manager.
* Suspension of federal grant forces removal of handlebars from all Divvy bikes.
* Bloomingdale Trail now the Macy’s Trail.
* Bears furlough Brandon Marshall.
* Rahm Emanuel attempts to privatize federal shutdown but has lost phone numbers to members of his infrastructure trust.
* Triple dippers now only double dipping.
* Federal air marshals returned to jobs in Streets and San.
* EPA suspends funny smells unit until further notice.
* ComEd tacking on federal shutdown surcharge fee.
* City now in compliance with leaving every child behind.
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– Nick Shreders, Tim Willette, Natasha Julius, Steve Rhodes
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Comments welcome.
Posted on October 7, 2013