By Steve Rhodes
Read my mind.
Any bets on the terrible things that will happen during the #blackhawksnewsdump?
— Kenzo Shibata (@KenzoShibata) June 25, 2013
The parade is scheduled for Friday, too, which makes it a perfect time to quietly release news such as:
* Rahm Closes The Rest Of The City’s Public Schools. The Blackhawks prove that privatization works, even though the NHL, like all of America’s professional sports leagues, is a socialist organization. Plus, the players are unionized, but Rahm never lets the facts get in the way of a good crisis-related policy of convenience.
* Michael Madigan Solves The State’s Pension Problem. Unlike the deal Blackhawks players and the rest of the league got from the lockout, Madigan will simply enact a lockout. Pat Quinn goes along with it because teamwork.
* Lisa Madigan Announces Exploratory Committee To Look At Run For Governor. The first of a best of seven-part process.
* City Must Reimburse Parking Meter Overlords During Parade For Spots Taken Out Of Commission. This is actually true, though the city will likely just hold a celebration in Grant Park instead of an actual parade.
* All Pending TIF Redistributions From Chicago’s Schools To Rahm’s Wealthy Benefactors Will Be Mentioned At The Very End Of Proclamation Declaring Friday “Blackhawks Day” In Chicago. That way, if you don’t like TIF redistributions to Rahm’s wealthy benefactors, you don’t like the Blackhawks.
* Red-Light Cameras Will Now Be Black-And-Red-Light Cameras. Cute. But who gets the new contract?
* New Taxpayer-Subsidized DePaul Hockey Arena To Be Built Next To New Taxpayer-Subsidized DePaul Basketball Arena. Taxpayers will also subsidize creation of a DePaul hockey team. Because Blackhawks.
* The Screw Will Be Reborn As The Hockey Stick. This would actually be really cool, so I don’t know why it would be buried except that TIF money would probably be involved.
* City’s Remaining Mental Health Clinics To Be Closed. “It’s your choice – you can always just watch the Blackhawks if you’re feeling down.”
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Comments welcome.
Posted on June 25, 2013