By Zay N. Smith
News Headline: “Money beats tradition as Big Ten expands.”
News Headline: “Big Ten: Realignment is the perfect time to rename Legends and Leaders.”
QT has already suggested Cash and Carry.
Or there is Bait and Switch.
Or. . . .
News Headline: “‘Socialism’ and ‘capitalism’ are most-looked-up words in 2012, dictionary says.”
News Headline: “Sarah Palin: Barack Obama is a ‘socialist.'”
Hey. The dictionary never said everyone looked up the words.
News Item: Mall Santa in Maine refuses to allow 6-year-old girl on his lap unless her mother buys a $20 photo package.
News Item: Salvation Army bell-ringers banned from downtown as panhandlers in Colorado Springs, Colo.
Ho, Ho, Ho!
+ P.S., a Montreal reader, regarding QT’s noting that the reindeer is Donder, not Donner, and readers who wrote back that Donner is the one who ate all the other reindeer, writes:
“If Donner grilled the other reindeer, could one say that’s where the Turkish dish Donner Kabob came from?”
+ Gail Dean Cotton, a Chicago reader, writes:
“So the readers who wrote that Donner ate the other reindeer get a pass?”
Stop it.
Stop it now.
News Headline: “Obama warns Syria against use of chemical weapons.”
The line has to be drawn.
This is a question of the rule of modern civilization.
You don’t use chemicals to kill people in warfare.
You use drones with explosives.
We Have Seen the Present, and It Does Not Work:
A construction crew was ordered to stop work at Sinclair College in Ohio until the men could find a sign to replace “MEN WORKING,” which was in violation of the college’s policy requiring an “inclusive and non-discriminatory” environment.
News Headline: “Study: Smoking while drinking may make hangovers worse.”
So if you are drinking heavily, please cut down on the smokes.
That is your QT Fitness and Health Tip for today.
News Headline: “More than 100 Bangladeshi garment workers die in factory fire after Walmart refused to finance safety improvements.”
But rest assured:
Walmart spends whatever it takes to make sure its stores are safe for shoppers.
Really.
C’mon.
No. Really.
News Headline: “21 furious Twitter reactions to Justin Bieber’s Grammy snub.”
This being an age that has made possible something called a furious tweet.
News Headline: “Glenn Beck to launch TV reality show.”
Say this for Glenn Beck:
He is always open to new approaches.
Well. Such as reality.
News Headline: “Mel Gibson: I might reach out to Lindsay Lohan.”
What could possibly go wrong?
News Headline: “Campaign to draft Stephen Colbert for Senate.”
Which would make him the funniest senator, just ahead of Al Franken.
News Headline: “McConnell takes obstruction to ‘new heights’ by filibustering his own bill.”
But Mitch McConnell is coming up fast.
Modern Education + the Criminal Mind =
A man in Portland, Me., called police to report that a prostitute had left with 10 minutes remaining on the session he had paid for.
News Headline: “Survey: Detroit most dangerous city for gays.”
In other news, Detroit, according to FBI statistics, is the most dangerous city for everybody.
News Headline: “Snake on a plane causes emergency landing.”
Gene Christianson, an Overland Park, Kan., reader, writes:
“I don’t think any further comment is needed.”
Wait. Were you thinking the fun was over–that this might be a case of retakes on the wane?
QT would never put the brakes on a refrain.
All right.
QT will stop it.
QT will stop it now.
QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Item: “. . . which for all intensive purposes. . . .”
News Item: “. . . For all intensive purposes, Israel is now. . . .”
H.B., an Evanston reader, can’t state intensely enough that it is “for all intents and purposes.”
There are only two syllables in “forecastle,” by the way.
Write to QT at qt@beachwoodreporter.com
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QT appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
Posted on December 7, 2012