By Carl Mohrbacher
Don’t Call It A Comeback*
Honestly, I don’t know what you call that game against the Panthers, but it certainly evoked an emotion that has got to be akin to how women view 90% of their sexual encounters.
You grit your teeth through 52 minutes of a performance that, aside from the four free appletinis that lead you to this dazzling display of mis-execution, would be considered a complete waste of everybody’s time at best, until you take the initiative, get on top, and grind out a winner at the very end.
Boo
Chicago’s winner for scariest Halloween costume belongs to the ghastly impersonation of a lifeless offense masqueraded near the lakefront by Cutler and Company.
Second place goes to this guy.
And because Cutler didn’t even have the decency to buy them a drink before fumbling his balls all over the place, the local villagers turned on the Midway’s grotesque monster at halftime with a Sandy-esque downpour of malcontent.
Fortunately for the Bears, the modern mob tends to wield Funyuns and obscenities, which hurt far less than pitchforks and torches.
Going To Graceland
Aside from playing in one of the few NFL locales that can be considered in “parts unknown” (see also: the Arizona Cardinals, located between Glendale and Deathcrack, Arizona), the Tennessee Titans franchise enjoys a number of other trivia-worthy quirks.
1. Event personnel preface every customer interaction with the question “Who you commin’ to see ’round here” while brandishing a firearm.**
2. The Oilers franchise is Houston’s third-most notable export, ranking behind only ZZ Top and Otis Thorpe***.
3. LP Field is the only venue in North America where you can order a Sprite “extra crispy.”
Kool-Aid (2 Out Of 5 Velvet Elvises)
There’s going to be a certain level of intrigue built into every Bears game going forward, regardless of opponent, just because we’re not sure if the offense is going to suck or not.
Note to Bears: You have two excellent running backs. Abandoning the running game when you’re down six is analogous to burning down your house for the insurance money when the interest rate on your Visa goes up 2%.
The Titans have some weapons on offense including Kenny Britt, a fellow who is just the president of the Hair Club For Men and not a client and whatever nickname you give a running back who rushes for 24 yards as often as he goes for 144 (artist rendition below).
Bears build a big lead, then sweat it late as the “We’re Winning Big, So Let’s Drink Barbeque Sauce Out Of A Squeeze Bottle” strategy backfires.
But they still win.
Bears 24
Titans 17
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*Not to be confused with the classic film, Don’t Call It A Cum-Black starring Sean Michaels and F.M. Bradley.
**Say “Justin Gage” and you should be alright.
***Tooooooootally unrelated, but check out this picture of Mitch Richmond that comes up in the image results on the right when you Google “Otis Thorpe.” Kiss my balls France! I loved the 90’s Warriors. Don’t worry Mitch; American Wikipedia has your back. Lookin’ svelte, bro.
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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on Bears. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on November 1, 2012