By Carl Mohrbacher
They’ve got a number one receiver, a Pro Bowl quarterback and a complete running game – now with real fullback action!
They’ve got a coaching staff that’s so experienced and prepared that they were in charge of making the trains run on time while Rahm was at the DNC*.
They’ve got an opportunistic defense that will put points on the board with a rookie safety poised to perennially man the secondary for years to come!
HEADS UP, NFC A-HOLES!!! WE’RE THE MONSTERS OF THE MIDWAY AND WE NOT ONLY LIVE UNDER YOU BED, WE BANG YO’ MAMMA THERE!!!
WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOUR BABIES AND CRAP THEIR BONES INTO YOUR BREAKFAST CEREAL!!!
THE 2012 BEARS ARE COMING TO YOUR TOWN AND…huh?
IR? Already?
Sorry, I didn’t watch the preseason.
Um . . . your move, (insert name of third-round safety here).
More Than Meets The Eye
This offseason, Phil Emery did a great job guarding against season-boning injuries thanks to the acquisitions of Jason Campbell and Michael Bush. If Jay Cutler and Matt Forte go down again, the 2012 Bears will remain competitive by transforming into the 2011 Oakland Raiders.
Back In Pack
Well, well, well. If it isn’t media darling Aaron Rodgers and his new pal Robert Guillaume**.
Oh . . . different Benson.
Look, I’m not playing fantasy football this year. You can’t expect me to know who’s on these teams.
In my home country of Turdukistan, I’m a rugby beat reporter.
The towering strength of the 2012 Packers is their ability to film State Farm commercials, but don’t be fooled; they can also give up long field goals.
Seriously, if I see a bit with Edgar Bennett and Dan Majkowski polka dancing while people don’t recognize Aaron Rodgers, I’m calling The General for a minimum-coverage policy on my penguin just on principal.
Kool Aid (5 Out Of 5 Glasses Of That Weird Nacho Cheese Dip You Get At The Movies)
I’ve not had the pleasure of sampling the local cuisine served in the fine establishments near the intersection of Route 43 and NOTHING, so I assume it’s just a mix of liquefied dairy and locks of Antonio Freeman’s back hair.
Pass.
As for the contest, this is as much as you can ask for in Week 2:
There will be offense.
There will be turnovers.
THERE WILL BE BLOOD!!!
Well, at least until Rodger Goodell catches word of a rivalry that broke out in the Midwest like 100 years ago.
Then, players will be suspended four games each time there is blood.
Bears 30
Packers 28
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* In retrospect, Mike Tice should not have let Emanuel script the first ten offensive plays in exchange for one an oversized key to the city.
** Wow! A Soap spin-off joke! Welcome back fans of timely humor!
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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Bears beat. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on September 11, 2012