By Marty Gangler
So, did you see that this happened last week? The Cubs dressed up like superheroes. Who knew?
We here at The Cub Factor think this is just too good to pass up. So while the Cubs did their best to be funny and hero-y, we have a few ideas for personas they should have adopted.
Geovany Soto: Made a weak attempt to be a Ghostbuster. But we think he should have gone as the Buffett Buster. From coast-to-coast no Old Country Buffett is safe!
Ryan Dempster: Thwarts trades with a single tweet, does a horrible impression of Will Ferrell doing Harry Caray, and is really making himself look like a complete jag. He is The Blocker!
David DeJesus: He dressed as He-Man but he really should have gone as Just About Average Man. Able to not really be bad at anything while while not really being that good either. Look up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s spaghetti with red sauce for dinner, no, it’s Just About Average Man.
Tony Campana: Dressed as the Flash, which pretty much made him Predictable Man, but we think he should have come as Robin the Boy Wonder. As in Boy, I wonder how long such a one-dimensional player can stay on the roster.
Carlos Marmol: Dressed up as Zorro and as much as we’d like to come up with a funnier one, we’re thinking that once the wildness returns he is better off wearing a mask. So Zorro fits.
Kerry Wood: He wasn’t able to pitch well before he hung them up but now he’s doing quite well as The Pitchman.
Anthony Rizzo: Superman, duh.
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And don’t look now good citizens, but this next superhero can dash World Series hopes with just a wave of his hand, he is Bartman. Too soon?
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Week in Review: The Caped Crusaders went 4-2 for the week, taking two of three each from the Pirates and Cardinals. The team (14-9 in July) is back to being watchable again. Well, until 3 p.m. Tuesday, that is.
The Week in Preview: The Cubs stay home for three more with the Pirates and then head out west to play the Dodgers. And there is a chance a few Cubs on Tuesday could be Dodgers on Friday. But who knows what to believe while The Blocker is still around.
The Second Basemen Report: Darwin Barney finally got a day off this week to allow Jeff Baker a chance to go 0-for-3. But Barney responded by getting three hits the next day. By the way, Barney came up a shortstop while Luis Valbuena, who plays third base, actually came up a second baseman. Alfonso Soriano, who “plays” left field, also came up a second baseman. Throw in a first baseman playing right field and it’s just like the ghost of Jim Hendry drew it up.
In former second basemen news, Don “Pep” Johnson was a key member of the 1945 Cubs team that went to the World Series. He led the NL with 22 sacrifice hits that year. He died in 2000, and he is missed.
The Not-So-Hot Corner: Valbuena continues to play third more often than even he thinks is possible. He is now batting .198. He did get one day off last week, which allowed Joe Mather to go 0-for-3 with three strikeouts.
Weekly Bunting Report: All that spring training bunting paid off this week with a bunt win. It’s just too bad it wasn’t a walk-off bunt win.
The Zam Bomb: Big Z sucks. And this surprises no one. Four earned over five innings and four walks to run his record to 5-9. This makes Big Z angry. Which surprises no one as well.
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Endorsement No-Brainer: Ryan Dempster for nothing. This guy’s lost any goodwill he built up being here this long.
Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of Cubs players traded down this week. Er, actually they didn’t trade at all.
Sink or Sveum: 34% Analytical, 66% Emotional. Dale moves up two points on the Dale-O-Meter due to winning. On a scale of Bat Sh#t Crazy, (Charles Manson), Not All There, (random guy with a neck tattoo), Thinking Clearly (Jordi LaForge), and Non-Emotional Robot (Data), Dale is barely Thinking Clearly.
And just like your thought-to-be level-headed uncle, Dale knows the value of old aunt Shirley’s beer can collection but the swap meet is right around the corner and Shirley is looking for some action. And really, they’re her beer cans.
Over/Under: The number of Cubs traded this week: +/- not enough of them.
Don’t Hassle The Hoff: Micah Hoffpauir is on el fuego-san. Eight hits in his last four starts, it looks like anyway. Not much of a hassle.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that there might not be any trades at all.
The Cub Factor: Unlike Alfonso Soriano, you can catch ’em all!
The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.
Fantasy Fix: Trading Up.
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Posted on July 30, 2012