By Eric Emery
If you’ve learned anything the past two weeks, it’s that Rex Is Our Quarterback and This Is Our Country. See, if you follow the formula “[Unappealing Noun/Pronoun] Is Our [Noun of Great Importance],” the unappealing becomes tolerable.
– Iraq is Our World War II.
– Bush is Our Commander-in-Chief.
– Lionel Richie is Our Most Important Export.
– 1.3 is Our Quarterback’s Rating.
– Poor Play is Our Way to the Super Bowl.
– The CTA is Our Most Reliable Public Transit System.
– Wire-Tapping is Our Best Way To Protect Your Liberty.
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With four games remaining, Bears fans are most hoping for one thing: a catastrophic injury to Grossman or Lovie.
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Here are the odds on which NFC team will beat the Bears in the playoffs.
Dallas: 2-1
Why they will: Hottest team. Even Parcells has been catching the eye of many young women these days.
Whey they won’t: T.O. is world’s worst wingman.
Seattle: 4-1
Why they will: Appeared in the Super Bowl last year; the NFL needs new “Buffalo Bills.”
Why they won’t: Mike Holmgren. The NFL hates people who cry “conspiracy” because it’s true.
New Orleans: 4-1
Why they will: Original “feel good” story of the year. Allows ESPN to re-run interviews from week 3.
Why they won’t: NFL delays putting the fix in for New Orleans until next year, when it will be more believable that an NFC team could win the Super Bowl.
Philadelphia: 8-1
Why they will: Allows sportswriters to spend a week comparing 2006 to 2001.
Why they won’t: Self-loathing fans won’t allow it.
Carolina: 10-1
Why they will: Allows sportswriters to spend a week to compare 2006 to 2005.
Why they won’t: My pre-season pick to make the Super Bowl.
Field: 1.5-1
Why they will: Bears lose to the No. 6 seed, creating infinite levels of comedy.
Why they won’t: One of the five teams above will.
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Chicago at St. Louis (Monday night)
At least we know this about Grossman: The only direction he can go is up. Or, at least, he can only go down 1.3 more rating points, and then when he hits rock bottom we can stage an intervention. So, either way, the news is actually good for Bears fans.
This week the Bears play the best of the remaining four teams on their schedule. And with a schedule like that, they could run the table with Rex Reed at quarterback.
Pick: St. Louis plus 6.5/Over 43.5
For Bears win:
Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 85 percent
Recommended sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 65 percent
Sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 80 percent
Recommended sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 35 percent
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com. Or berate him publicly.
Posted on December 7, 2006