By Eric Emery
Thanksgiving: Perhaps the only holiday in which we cover all seven deadly sins. Eat and sleep. Brag and become jealous. Hoard the mashed potatoes and whine that Uncle Ken ate all the stuffing. Granted, lust is hard to work into this family-centered holiday. That is why we have FOX.
Thanksgiving is also my favorite holiday. And now I will defile it by matching a Bears player with my favorite Thanksgiving fare.
Turkey: Brian Urlacher. Clearly, Urlacher is the centerpiece of the Bears. Just listen to any telecast, and they will marvel at his grandeur. But as the year goes on, turkey becomes tiresome – turkey sandwiches, turkey stew, turkey shakes. By the throes of winter, the turkey becomes dry and rubbery. The turkey has become overexposed, and you want something else. Like baseball season.
Gravy: The schedule. Gravy is the MVP on any Thanksgiving plate. It solves everything that sucks – turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and cranberry sauce. The Bears’ schedule is this season’s gravy. When the Bears appear like the mushrooms in the green bean casserole, the good ‘ol schedule saves the day.
Baked Beans: Rex Grossman. Sometimes sweet, sometimes spicy, sometimes laden with bacon (mankind’s best invention), baked beans start out as a symphony for the taste buds. They don’t end that way, though. They end up stinking.
Mashed Potatoes: Lovie Smith. Nobody really enjoys Thanksgiving without mashed potatoes. Remember that Thanksgiving when Auntie Thelma brought sweet potatoes instead? Bears fans realize that Lovie helps make the team better. Much like mashed potatoes, Lovie is also bland and resistant to change.
Stuffing: Bears Radio Coverage. Some things demand simplicity. Boil water, add butter and stuffing, cover, separate stuffing with fork. You now have yummy stuffing. The Bears’ 9-1 record needs no extra clatter or animation. Why, then, after listening to one quarter of Joniak and Thayer, does it appear that the Bears are not only ahead 7-0 but they’ve also stabilized Iraq?
Cranberry sauce: Thomas Jones. One of the sweetest – and tartest – portions of the Thanksgiving plate. With 60 grams of salt, the cranberry sauce puckers your lips and sours your face – just like a Thomas Jones performance does. You’re rewarded in the end, but not without some unpleasantness.
Chicago at New England Patriots
This game tells the tale. If the Bears win, only the Bears will be able to beat the Bears the rest of the way. Or maybe the Chargers. If the Bears lose, it depends on how well they lose. Last week they only scored a field goal on a short drive, thanks to an incredibly stupid onside kick, and a sole touchdown. Hardly a dominating performance, unless you believe that whole “Don’t mess up and allow your defense to win you games” theory. That theory works until week 1 or 2 of the playoffs.
Bottom Line: I’m sure the Patriots learned a lot from the Bears’ loss to Miami. Expect Lovie to eat an “Out-coached sandwich.”
Pick: New England minus 3 points/Under 38
For Bears win:
Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 65%
Recommended sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 40%
Sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 80 percent.
Recommended sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 65 percent.
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com. Or berate him publicly.
Posted on November 22, 2006