By The Beachwood Bookmaking Bureau
Rahm Emanuel may think he doesn’t look good in a toga, but if he gets his casino he may want to stick with the Rahmulus theme (better than the Rahmfather from a marketing point of view) and call it Rahm’s Palace. It worked for Caeser.
Here’s how we think it would work.
* Whenever the house is down more than $50,000, the casino will close for the evening due to “heat exhaustion.”
* All cocktail waitresses will wear ballet outfits.
* Richard M. Daley as official greeter for $100K per. Plus, three shows a night.
* All fish at restaurant served with a threatening note.
* Water contract to Don Tomczak.
* Sewer and Wi-Fi contracts to Patrick Daley.
* Sanitation contract to . . . you know.
* The roulette wheel will determine admission to charter schools – if you can meet the minimum bet, of course.
* Don Rickles headlines. Wilco opens.
* Dealers required to have only three-and-a-half fingers.
* Garry McCarthy will use Compstat to continually reset the odds.
* Ed Burke assigned to slots committee; Patrick O’Connor to run high-stakes poker. LAZ assigned to the skim.
* All waitstaff trained at Ed Dbevic’s.
* State Supreme Court will relocate there (or at least intend to) and wear togas instead of robes.
* Board of Trade will relocate there; all traders will wear togas.
* Slot machine contract sold off to a Russian company. Players hope to cash in with a “Triple Borscht.”
* J.C. Brizard orders “Card Counting” classes to be taught at all “turnaround” schools.
* Security contract to R.J. Vanecko.
* The Barack Obama Suite: Looks huge from the outside but not so much once you step in.
* The Michael Madigan Suite: Sleep on sheets depicting a redistricted Illinois and under blankets emblazoned with the logo of Madigan’s law firm. A portrait of Lisa hangs above the bed.
* The Pat Quinn Suite: Yeah, right.
* The Palace Buffett: Featuring foie gras and Asian carp.
* Lobby display of Elvis’s white suit and Blago’s blue suit.
–
See also: Welcome To The New Chicago Casino!
–
Comments welcome.
Posted on June 13, 2011