By Marty Gangler
If the 2011 Cubs season was a hand of hold ’em poker, you would have to say that Mike Quade was dealt a 9-4 off-suit.
For you people who don’t know poker, that is a lousy two-card hand.
Not as bad as, say, the Astros’ 7-2 off-suit, but a 9-4 is pretty bad. No matter what five community cards are on the table, it’s hard to make something out of 9-4 off-suit.
But in poker, as in life, as in baseball, there are always more than just the cards you are dealt. You have to play your hand and get creative with your bets, checks, calls, etc.
I mean, sure you can be happy just to be playing cards for a living seeing as how most schleps are breaking their backs for a paycheck or slowly killing themselves in a cube somewhere, but you are playing for high stakes and can’t just be happy to be there because you’ll get pantsed. And there are, unfortunately, no cash awards given to the nicest player at the table. If anything being the nicest guy at the poker table shows that you lack a killer instinct, a full understanding of what you are dealing with, or a poker face – which in poker is kind of important.
So yeah, I’m talking about my once-loved (by me) manager Mike Quade. There is nothing wrong with being a good guy and believing in your players, but you have to know that when you are holding a 9-4 off-suit in a big pot, Albert Pujols is calling your bluff, your table presence is for shit and big Al came to play some cards.
The Week in Review: The Cubs lost every game they played this week. 0-6. So they won as many major league games as you did. (Note: if you are a major league player on a different team other than the Cubs reading this, this would not apply to you.)
The Week in Preview: The Cubs continue the Mike Quade Death March in Cincy for three against the Reds and then in Philly for four against the Phils. At this point I’m rooting for 13 in a row. How bad does this have to get to get Jim Hendry out of here?
The Second Basemen Report: Darwin Barney once again played all six games this week at second base. But the interesting was that Barney played a little shortstop this week after a double-switch, which means he may see a little more time at short which will let a few kids we’ve never heard of available to play second base, which is just like Jim Hendry drew it up.
In former second basemen news, Manny Trillo last played for the Cubs in 1988 but made Yahoo! news recently. He is missed.
The Zam Bomb: Big Z is Getting Angry this week as his bats and his teammates have let him down. He should go off soon.
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Marlon Byrd Supplemental Report: Conte has been injecting Marlon with a new concoction called BHYWT – “Be Happy You Weren’t There.”
Lost in Translation: Clownieo Quade-san is Japanese for in over your head.
Endorsement No-Brainer: Mike Quade for Alternative Reality. The one where Albert Pujols stinks.
Sweet and Sour Quade: 87% sweet,13% sour. Mike stands pat this week because even going 0-6 will not break his spirit. And just like your well-adjusted uncle, sometimes Mike isn’t quite as adjusted as you think. When Aunt Helen left him last year he kept making her dinner just in case she showed up that night. He can sometimes lose touch.
Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares traded lower on all Ameritrade products as the truth came out on how Tom Ricketts fleeced Papa Ricketts into believing the Cubs were a no lose business.
Over/Under: The number of quality relief appearances the Cubs will get out of Rodrigo Lopez: +/- off. (No one will take this bet).
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that it is going to take a real GM to fix this mess. And the Cubs don’t have one.
The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch ’em all!
The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.
Get Your Gangler On: Follow Marty on Twitter.
Note For Readers Used To Seeing The Mount Lou Alert System Here: When manager Mike Quade shows any signs of, well, really anything abnormal, we will be all over it with some kind of graph or pictorial depiction of whatever it is, but until this guy shows something besides just being a normal, thoughtful, intelligent guy, we got next to nothing on him. We are hoping he shows something and kinda hoping he doesn’t also, know what I mean? BUT HE IS GETTING MUCH CLOSER . . . We think he’s becoming delusionally optimistic.
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Posted on June 6, 2011