By David Rutter
1. North Avenue Beach, WTF?
The city’s new top cop and his new boss know better than to concoct total falsehoods and announce it to the public, don’t they?
Apparently not. The Memorial Day Weekend beach kerfuffle and subsequent ancillary kerfuffles were not related to a thousand gangbangers arriving on our noble shores to mess up whoever was there. That’s the official can’t-pass-the-smell-test story. Pay no attention to the thugs behind the curtain. It was 88 degrees and that’s really hot for some of us.
Gang? Whatsa gang? says Garry McCarthy, who apparently never saw any of those in Joyzey. And WTF, is he not the stiffest big square guy since Al Gore you’ve ever seen?
So hizzoner had to back up his cops in his first unpleasant press conference, and all evidence suggests it was a large crock of poop.
The summer is longer in Chicago than it is in Newark. Keep your sunscreen and Glock close at hand.
2. Richard M. Daley, WTF?
“Anyone worried about former Mayor Richard M. Daley being unemployed can breathe easier – he wasn’t out of work long,” the Sun-Times reports, thus presuming in the lamest of hoariest literary conceits that anyone was actually worried.
As for his new job of rounding up world famous speakers for a series of public policy debates – really, WTF – we’ve already signed up for “Stick That Leased Parking Meter Up Your Nose” and also “How the Olympics Are A Great Land Swindle Unless They Pick Rio.” Sorry, but seats for the “He Was a Public Servant So Everybody Get Off Al Sanchez’s Ass” seminar are sold out.
Even better, former Hizzoner also has a second job with a wired downtown law firm: He will practice pro bono law for the indigent poor. (Satire alert.)
It’s the same law firm he paid $882,000 to negotiate the city’s parking meter lease. If that doesn’t get a hosannah WTF from the congregation, nothing can.
3. Wheaton, WTF?
Everybody knows that racism still haunts the South, which makes us feel very superior because that’s them. We, on the other hand, are vastly superior and egalitarian in our views. There’s no racism here. Well, that is, except for here.
4. Big breasts, WTF?
Blago’s defense team has been trying to distract his jury, but they won’t be really serious until they try the D-Cup Defense.
“Personally, I like large breasts,” the attorney protesting the large breasts said in a quote that is likely unique in the history of local jurisprudence.
We don’t know how this case was resolved, and we don’t care.
5. Joe Berrios, WTF?
“She’s entitled to that salary,” Cook County Assessor Joe Berrios said of giving his daughter a $10,000 raise while whacking others’ salaries.
Seldom has the term “entitled” been misapplied so revealingly.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on June 3, 2011