By The Beachwood Beach Bureau
“Gang loitering, intimidation, flash mobs and violence had nothing to do with the Chicago Police Department’s unprecedented decision to close North Avenue beach on a sultry Memorial Day, Acting Police Supt. Garry McCarthy said Wednesday.”
The Beachwood has learned the real reasons the beach was closed:
* Test run for privatization.
* Richard M. Daley wanted the day to himself and his Geiger counter.
* Garry McCarthy got his Rapture date all wrong; thought corpses were about to emerge from hidden graves under the sand.
* McCarthy misheard Rahm Emanuel declaring war against teachers; thought he said “beachers.”
* Douchebag quotient was at 89 but with heat it “felt like” 101.
* TSA body scanners not yet in place.
* Landshark.
* Landcarp.
* Rumors of flash mob scheduled to arrive, take clothes off, jump into lake, and then “lay out” on towels.
* Obama ordered beachgoers back to pre-1967 borders.
* Survey crew for new Chicago casino needed clear sightlines.
* Just because Rahm could.
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Comments welcome.
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1. From Beachwood Mark:
* Unbeknownst to most of those on the sand, a shark-jumping stunt in the lake went horribly wrong; a marine unit later pulled the body of a leather-clad Arthur Fonzarelli from the water.
* Rahm’s new patronage armies needed to practice a good old-fashioned beach invasion just in case land routes prove ineffective.
* Several beachgoers reported seeing a bloated corpse floating in the water, which turned out to be the political career of Jesse Jackson, Jr.; officials speculated that it had been dead for quite some time.
* Budget crunch forces Park District to experiment with scaled-back hours at city beaches; now open at dusk and close at dawn.
* New provision in the parking meter deal about to kick in: Pay boxes for towel spaces.
Posted on June 2, 2011