By The Beachwood Private Sector Affairs Desk
“Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s top economic advisers promise nothing less than reinvention of city government as they develop strategies for slashing a looming massive deficit,” the Tribune reports. “Ultimately, Chicagoans may end up with a government more like Charlotte, N.C., which tries to run as much like a private business as possible.”
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We’ve heard a lot over the years about running government like a business and it’s always baffled us. Think of your own workplace; do you really want your government run like that?
Unlike governments, businesses go belly up all the time. Most start-ups are failures. Customer service is practically non-existent, incompetence is rampant and most of us are getting ripped off; would you really want Comcast or AT&T in charge of picking up your garbage, much less policing your streets?
Still, if that’s what the public wants – or, more like, profiteering insiders – then we’ve got a few suggestions for Rahm & Co.
* 15% gratuity automatically added to kickbacks for groups of 10 or more.
* Outsource 911 calls to India.
* $25 baggage-check fee on all purses and briefcases carried into municipal buildings.
* Chicago credit cards with 0% interest on all transfers in the next six months. Rules and regulations that even Stephen Hawking can’t understand apply.
* Parking Ticket Tuesdays: Two for the price of one.
* What’s it gonna take to get you into a used El car today?
* All bribes are now final. No exchanges, refunds, or transfers for services rendered.
* Liquidate remaining phone books and other torture devices from all police precincts.
* Layaway option for parking meters to be available by 2015.
* Require appointments for police service calls; you must wait for them on Tuesdays or Thursdays between 1 p.m. and 4 p.m.
* Put those security tags on everyone’s clothes.
* Retain the right to refuse service to anyone the city thinks is icky.
* Send every citizen four copies of the memo about the new TPS reports.
* Spend a million dollars researching and designing an ugly new logo that will be abandoned in six months.
* Add toner.
* Hire a consultant to write up a report about how the consultant can further engage your services by writing reports based on their consulting.
* Franchise Chicagos to every state, plus China.
* No outside beverages allowed.
* Allow taxpayers to vote out the CEO/Mayor every year at the annual meeting.
– Scott Buckner, Nick Shreders, Dmitry Samarov, Tim Willette, Steve Rhodes
Posted on May 24, 2011