By David Rutter
1. Blago again, WTF?
It tells something about who you are if this news makes you laugh or cry. Or whether you think this shows students are wise – or dumb as owl bleep.
We vote for owl bleep.
The Junior State of America will greet the convict governor this weekend in Oak Brook for a round of enlightening repartee and civics tutorials. Yes, the Cirque du Blago comes to town once again with clowns and overpriced cotton candy.
Junior States is an innocuous resume-padder and debating society for prepsters looking to snag an Ivy League admissions’ edge. It fulfills the Hippocratic Oath for innocuous juvenile pastimes: It does no good, but it does no harm either.
These young political leaders of the future believe that if they ask politely, Rod Blagojevich will answer their questions truthfully and without hesitation, thus assuming the Federal Prosecutor for the Northern District of Illinois could have gotten the truth had he just asked more politely.
WTF will save Junior States their first several questions:
* Does he admit he did anything wrong? No because I’m innocent.
* Then why did he get convicted of lying to the FBI? Just a trumped up charged by powerful interests plotting to bring me down, and I’m innocent. Really.
* How do you keep your hair so nice? It’s my own line of follicle products, “Bleepin’ Golden.” Order online now.
Thus, the nation marches on to the strains of the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
2. Hyperlocal News, WTF?
This is the underlying problem with hyperlocal news: It can be stupid. It can make you stupid if you read too much of it. Your brain can go to sleep. A large pile of such stories doesn’t make you smarter or more in touch. Just sleepier. Or likely dumber, because it takes up your time.
Also, just consider the implications of relevance. The Chicago Tribune, the “flagship” of the Tribune Company, has a story on its home page (SPANNING THE WORLD TO BRING YOU THE GLOBE, or something like that) detailing that “a man . . . was looking around as he exposed himself and he appeared to be about 60 years old.” And get this. It was near the Illinois Prairie Path. Where? Don’t ask WTF. We’re just a visitor here.
The story has a byline and a photo of the reporter, whose parents must just be thrilled.
And this update from WTF’s breaking news desk: Gurnee police decided not to pursue the assault charge against the woman who menaced an officer with a “feminine pleasure device.” The woman even posed for a photo outside the restaurant whence she fled after failing to pay her bill, and thereupon took up the aforementioned device to ward off police.
3. Louis Farrakhan, WTF?
For reasons that might be political affinity or more likely just oil money pulpit-greasing, Minister Louis Farrakhan has always had a thing for Moammar Khadafy. They’re BFFs.
It’s been a 30-year Man-date.
WTF finds Farrakhan fascinating. Every time Farrakhan says something provocative that a thoughtful person should consider as a legitimate possibility, he quickly follows by saying two things that mark him as a bat bleep-crazy self-promoting loon.
WTF loves lunacy.
Of particular lunacy is this assessment of Khadafy as reported by the Trib:
“When you come out of a colonial past where you have lost the value of your own self-interest, God raises somebody from among you that can instill in you the value of yourself again and that person dictates the path until you have grown into your own self-interest.”
His audience cheers because, well, we don’t know.
Just to make sure we heard, he repeated it.
Yep, bat bleep crazy.
4. Jewel-Osco, WTF?
We’d call this “being taken to the cleaners,” but who has enough money to take clothes to the cleaners anymore? WTF’s chief constable always has asked for plastic because he’s a lazy, unthinking oaf who believes plastic is a natural substance grown on plastic bushes in Idaho. Also, plastic has handles and is just easier when you lug groceries.
But you can’t let this corporate power grab go unanswered. It’s just The Man with his boot on your neck. So now we ask for paper . . . and double-bag that baby, everyone.
At-ti-ca! At-ti-ca! At-ti-ca!
Actually if you demand the paper bag be placed inside the plastic bag, it produces a triple layer Depends-safe conveyance for your perishables. I don’t know what a perishable is, but it probably grows on plastic bushes.
5. Pediatricians, WTF?
WTFers with children have perused the new pediatric suggestions for toting your progeny in car seats and now believe pediatricians have never actually been around children in their natural environment.
For example?
Find me a 12-year-old boy who would allow himself to be placed in a “booster seat” without being anesthetized first. Try. We dare you.
In case pediatricians haven’t noticed, the biggest concern parents have for their 12-year-olds is how to keep them from buying condoms and reefer paper in advance of the weekend oral sex party.
WTF prefers the old-fashioned ways. Just tie the kid to the fender – presuming cars still have fenders.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on April 1, 2011