By The Beachwood Celebrity Secrets Affairs Desk
“Oprah Winfrey has discovered she has a half-sister – a Milwaukee woman who was given up for adoption by Winfrey’s mother nearly 50 years ago, when the talk show host was eight years old,” AP reports.
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The Beachwood has learned, however, that this isn’t the only “secret” Oprah will reveal this year. The others:
* Oprah is a man.
* Oprah’s real name is Harpo.
* Oprah has also discovered 1,429,865 other siblings she didn’t know she had – and they all want to be compensated in the manner due to them.
* Oprah is not a lesbian. She’s bi.
* Stedman Graham is an alien sent here to befriend Earth’s most powerful person.
* Oprah once had an affair with Rahm Emanuel but she got creeped out by his dirty talk in the bedroom.
* Oprah is broke, having invested all her money with Bernie Madoff and Carol Moseley-Braun.
* Oprah attends meetings of the Federal Reserve’s Open Market Committee because she controls so much of the world’s money supply.
* Oprah rooted for the Packers.
* Oprah’s childhood nickname was Snooki.
* Oprah is an angel sent here by God. Oh wait, she’s already told us that.
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Comments welcome.
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1. From Beachwood Mark:
* Used to demand that the waiters at the Parthenon shout Oprah! when they lit her saganaki.
* Also has four brothers named Groucho, Gummo, Zeppo and Chico.
* In order to embarrass one of her talk show rivals at the time, secretly broke into Al Capone’s vault and took out all the good stuff before Geraldo showed up.
* Believed for a time that the W flag at Wrigley was flown in honor of her; after learning the truth upon asking the club to change it to the more commonly recognized O, was furious and pledged her lifelong baseball allegiance to that other team.
* Three people died in an Oprah’s Favorite Things-related scrum and knife fight in the line outside of Harpo Studios; trip to Australia was added at the last minute to avoid messy inquiry and PR nightmare.
Posted on January 25, 2011