By David Rutter
1. Benjamin Homel, WTF?
At long last, our national nightmare is over. The infidels have the left the building at Tribune Tower. It’s safe there to be smug and sanctimonious again.
Innovation officer Lee Abrams (Memo to staff: “Hey, I just invented unemployment”) has said adios and CEO henchman-in-chief Randy Michaels will follow momentarily.
This leaves mostly radio programmer Kevin “Pig Virus” Metheny hanging in the lakeshore breeze. The car is warming up as we speak.
Once he’s gone, only one question remains. Why did Benjamin Homel change his name to Randy Michaels in the 70s?
We here at WTF understand the cultural imperative of Leonard Slye becoming Roy Rogers, and Allen Konigsberg taking Woody Allen for his name. Archibald Leach morphed to Cary Grant and Joyce Frankenberg transformed to Jane Seymour. Sure, stage names. Howdy Doody wouldn’t know Robert Emil Schmidt was really Buffalo Bob Smith. De-ethnicing yourself for the silver screen is a tradition.
But why did a guy whose professional habits include on-air radio farting and killing animals in a radio station’s parking lot for the public spectacle of it need a more melodious name? Sure, calling yourself Randy (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more) seems sort of obvious. Is that it? Otherwise Benny Homel sounds usefully goofy enough for radio.
WTF’s theory? It’s the same reason really ugly guys form rock bands when they have absolutely no musical talent. To get chicks. Some guys counteract glass-breaking ugly by hanging a Strato or Fender sling around their necks and becoming artists. Chicks dig that. We think Randy Michaels’ entire career was aimed at impressing babes. Not everyone gets the humor of that urge.
At least all the females at Trib Tower don’t have to worry about Harpo Marx jumping into their bathroom stall and honking his horn.
2. Evil Bastards, WTF?
WTF has managed to avoid sexual politics up to now because, really, WTF?
And anyway, what does a middle-aged, really straight white guy have to contribute to a discussion about gender openness? On the other hand, because we are resolutely against letting the evil bastards win (and you know who you are), you can’t stay silent on human rights. One of these days, you might wake up to find Christine O’Donnell is the president. So we present this. Click and play.
3. Jackass 3D, WTF?
By the time the Jackass movie franchise reaches 10 sequels, the total box office take will pass Gone With The Wind. In this comparative context, Sarah Palin now makes a lot more sense as president. Or maybe pope.
Of course, there is only one GWTW, but Jackass essentially is the same movie repeated ad nauseam, and never has the phrase ad nauseam been more apt.
Adjusted for inflation, insipidity and human oddness, the take for No.1-ranked cash generator GWTW is $1.6 billion.
In succession, the three Jackasses have pulled in $22.8 million, $29 million and $48 million in three weekend openings.
The first two Jackasseries took in $64 million and $72 million. This one is an easy 100 mil. We’re already on target for the GWTW pinnacle. This is like Pee Wee Herman de-horsing Clark Gable.
4. Bill Kurtis and bananas, WTF?
WTF’s ears perked up this week. It sure sounded like him.
But what siren song could have brought Bill Kurtis, the Ancient Journalism Mariner, out of the comfy harbor of voiceover checks for one more voyage? Busting crime syndicates? Uncovering political corruption? Nah. Turns out Kurtis’ duty Tuesday night was another of his specialties, a voiceover promo for a hard-hitting piece on why eating bananas in the morning can dampen your mood. They didn’t even let him do the actual banana story. Just the cutaway promotion.
And the piece itself? Another indication that a TV franchise’s long-term death spiral is not totally a function of which pretty face sits behind a desk and reads the teleprompter. Sometimes what’s on the station stops viewers from watching.
This particular piece suggested we avoid carbs and eat fresh fruit, eggs and peanut butter for breakfast. Also, be sure to avoid turkey at breakfast because that tryptophan can make you really drowsy. Plus when you eat too much turkey, you wake up in the middle of a Lions-Cowboys game on Thanksgiving afternoon.
WTF, breakfast is your most important meal.
And somewhere far away where only the angels could hear, Murrow whimpered and asked, “What the EF?”
5. Mark Curran, WTF?
We have taken note previously of the odd attitudes that manifest themselves as law enforcement in Lake County. The latest comes from Sheriff Mark Curran, who truly is a strange fellow.
Speaking at a Tea Party gathering there, he suggests the Tea Party is God’s Will being manifest among his flock, and Curran is the deliverer of that message.
He also includes the suggestion that it’s God Will we breed more, at least 2.1 children, leaving the “or else” to be debated. Since reproducing too few of itself has not really been a problem for the race, we assume that Curran is intimating that more of “us” reproduce to counteract more of “them” reproducing.
As for ourselves, WTF already has reproduced twice. We’re properly covered under God’s Will. We have asked about the decimal point one additional reproduction and were told it was okay with her as long as it didn’t involve sex. WTF.
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David Rutter is the former publisher/editor of the Lake County News-Sun, a Sun-Times Media property. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on October 22, 2010