By The Rahmedy Central Affairs Desk
Lists started and aborted by the Rahmedy Central Affairs Desk.
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1. The Real Reasons Rahm Emanuel Is Running For Mayor.
* Still has authority to call drone missile attacks wherever he wants.
* Looks pretty good in tights and a cape.
* Sick and tired of coordinating Michelle Obama’s wardrobe for state functions.
* Beating Barack at H-O-R-S-E on the White House basketball court every morning isn’t as fun as it used to be.
* I’ll just fucking kick every fucking one of those fucking Asian fucking carp back to fucking Asia all by my fucking self.
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2. Rahm’s First 100 Days.
Day 1: Declares martial law.
Day 2: Reverses flow of Chicago River and also makes rain fall up.
Day 3: Suspends city council and replaces with the Pritzker clan.
Day 4: Orders drone strikes over Englewood.
Day 5: Threatens Berny Stone while the two are nude in the City Hall locker room.
Day 6: Hangs an honorary street sign in front of City Hall naming the block Donald Tomczak Way.
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3. Things Lying Around Rahm Emanuel’s Campaign Office.
* Frommer’s Chicago Travel Guide.
* Copy of Dreams From My Father, with Post-it note on cover: “Get Axelrod to have somebody write something like this for me.”
* The Apartment Guide, open to section featuring month-to-month rentals.
* Unopened mail – marked postage due – from Roland Burris.
* Scrap of paper with the phone number of Robert Sorich’s parole officer.
* Printout of Yelp ratings for Chicago neighborhoods, with an enthusiastic Lincoln Park review highlighted in yellow: “The cupcake shops around here are soooooo yummy LOL .”
* Lyric sheet for “Bear Down, Chicago Bears.”
* Suitcase full of cash.
* List of wholesale fish markets on Randolph Street.
* Scrap of paper with the phone number for Oprah tickets.
* Metra system map, with UP North line to Wilmette highlighted.
* Chicago 2016 windbreaker.
* Ticket from the windshield of his campaign van for exceeding parking meter time limit in Pilsen.
* Designer’s measurements and estimates for redecorating 5th floor office at 121 N. LaSalle.
* Copy of Boss by Mike Royko.
* Copy of Chicago’s North Shore DVD, a WTTW pledge drive gift.
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Scott Buckner, Matt Farmer, Beachwood Mark and Steve Rhodes
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Comments welcome.
Posted on October 6, 2010