By The Beachwood Crowd Control Desk
“Attendance Down Sharply At Wrigley,” the Tribune reports.
We have some suggestions.
* Change name to Blackhawks.
* Simulcast Blago trial.
* Equip new Toyota sign with lasers.
* More advertising!
* Batting clean-up, Sammy Sosa!
* Sign Albert Belle to fill void left by Milton Bradley, Carlos Zambrano.
* Every day is Patrick Kane Bobblehead Day.
* More runs, less noodles.
* Meet new Cubs manager Jim Riggleman!
* Commemorative Cups of Clout. Collect ’em all and redeem your prize at City Hall or Tom Tunney’s ward office.
* Replace guest seventh-inning stretch singers with guest third-base coaches. They won’t need to know the signs because Cubs runners never get that far.
* Run The Bases Backwards Day. Though this might be too similar to regular Cubs’ games to make much of a difference.
* Carlos Zambrano Exploding Bobblehead Day.
* More advertising!
* Women- and Minority-Owned Business Day. And you don’t even have to be a woman, a minority or own a business.
* Tom Tunney Dunk Tank Day. With real sharks and real cinnamon buns.
* Free mental health screening to first 10,000 customers!
* Just have City Hall do the counting. Two Million Crowd Wrigley Field For Pirates Finale!
* More advertising!
* Replace national anthem singers with that guy from Police Academy who makes all the noises.
* Beat The Crap Out Of Jon Burge Day.
* Ron Santo returns to third base.
* More priests and goats. Heh-heh.
* How ’bout stringing a few wins together?
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Comments welcome.
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1. Paul Clark writes:
* Ron Santo is third base.
* Let Billy Williams bat. (It won’t increase run production but watching that sweet swing again would be fun.)
* Hold American Idol tryouts in the bleachers.
* Replace the ivy with a bunch of venus fly trap plants.
Posted on June 29, 2010