By Eric Emery
Last Sunday, I traveled to Detroit to watch my beloved Steelers battle the Lions. My friend Al was along for the ride as well. As the best man for my wedding, Al, a practicing Jew, did not know what to do with the wafer given to him by the priest. So he did the religiously respectful thing: he put it in the pocket of his rented tux. On tape. To the horror of my very Italian mother-in-law.
Even though nobody really wins when they go to Detroit, having Al along was sure to make the best of a bad situation. A travelogue:
* Good idea, travel to see your team. Bad idea: Have a spell of insomnia; take Benadryl partly to rid myself of the itchy results of a food allergy and partly to be sleepy. At 2:30 a.m.
* I hate the fact it’s 5:20 a.m., I’m driving to Detroit, I’m groggy from the Benadryl, and I’m probably going to make the news on WBBM for the traffic delay on the Tri-State at 6 a.m. At least I’m not itchy.
* I make it to Homewood to pick up Al. He’s driving, I’m sleeping.
* Al announces that we’re through Indiana. It’s only good news if you’re traveling west. We are traveling northeast.
* Neither Al nor I are economists, but based on our knowledge of Michigan and the highway advertisements, we’ve determined that Michigan’s two biggest industries are automobile manufacturing and “spas.” Our favorite: Tokyo Health Spa. It’s open until 2 a.m.
* Apparently, Michigan experienced some anti-Asian backlash, given that one “spa” brags “All American staff.” Finally, a Michigan industry that can compete with Asian products. Take that, Toyota!
* A small green sign welcomes us to Detroit. Under it, another small sign reads “Home of Super Bowl XL.” As sad as that sounds, the sign is more impressive than Chicago’s: “Runner up to the runner up to the runner up to the host of the 2016 Summer Olympics.”
* We exit to I-375 to find a line three miles long to exit to Ford Field. We execute our Chicago driving skills to move toward the front and cut somebody off. The reaction is the same as in Chicago. We are deemed to be “number 1.”
* First observation about Ford Field: Detroit oriented the traffic flow as if they did not expect people to show up. Exhibit A: Only one exit, with only one exit lane. Exhibit B: Two stop lights immediately after exit ramp. Exhibit C: Massive waves of fans walking to Ford Field, cutting off access to parking lots on the backside of Ford Field. Exhibit D: You have to fight through all this to have the honor of paying $45 for the parking garage.
* There are a lot of Steelers fans here. Obama’s stimulus plan for Detroit: Change schedule to have Steelers play in Detroit every week.
* I order burger and fries. Cashier tells intermediary my order, then intermediary tells kitchen. There are many intermediaries piled up at the kitchen window. I’m guessing this is the same process used at GM for the supply/demand planning.
* Seats: 20th row. Cost: Tickets, car rental, and gas the same as a 300 level ticket at Soldier Field. Here is the upside of 25% unemployment.
* Three rows ahead of us: Steelers fan with an “Obama 08” jersey. Cost: $1.2 million.
* Lions score on field goal on their first possession. A bearded man in a Lions hard hat angrily performs a very awful fight song.
* Line of the day by Al: “It’s good to see one of the members of the Village People found work in Detroit.” We start doing “YMCA.”
* There are a lot of Steelers fans here. We estimate the ratio at 66/33. (Al represents the remaining 1% as he is wearing a Bears jersey.) Lions fan next to me states that it’s a good thing, given that the game would have been blacked out locally. I remind the Lions fan that he could have stayed home. His friend, a Steelers fan, agrees. Seems to me he could have stayed home and not subjected himself to ridicule for free.
* I turn to Al early in the fourth quarter and say “The Steelers will go play-action pass and go deep.” Roethlisberger goes play-action pass and throws a 50-yd TD to Wallace. Lions fan next to me becomes very depressed.
* Lions fan next to me says “We’re still the worst team in the NFL.” I rattle off four teams that might be worse. I don’t really mean it, though. I’s sad to see a grown man cry.
* Lions stop Steelers and score a TD, moving the score to 28-20. The dozens of Lions fans in attendance get excited. Al sings “YMCA” over the angry fight song guy.
* Lions stop Steelers again. They get the ball to the 20 with two minutes remaining. During the timeout, Roary, the Lions mascot, starts flossing his teeth with a Terrible Towel. Thousands of Steelers fans boo.
* A guy sitting three seats over from “Obama 08” starts flipping off Roary. He’s very angry. I bet “Obama 08” resolves the tension by having angry flip-off guy and Roary over for a beer summit.
* Steelers sack QB three straight times, then prevent a Hail Mary to seal the win. Roary fashions the Terrible Towel into a noose.
* Al and I wait for 20 minutes before heading to the car, guessing that it will be impossible to get out. We wait an additional 25 minutes to back out of out spot. We discover there are only two exit lanes. That’s Detroit efficiency as its best.
* On way back to Chicago, I-94 is jammed. After crawling for a mile, sign reads “One Lane Friday – Sunday, two miles ahead.” It’s Sunday, and nobody is working on the road. Nor is there anything wrong with the closed lane. I haven’t hated Michigan more.
* New favorite “spa” sign: Happy Spa.
* New, new favorite “spa” sign: Lucky Spa. All spas open until 2 a.m.
* Bored, Al calls number on the Lucky Spa sign. Findings: A one-hour massage and shower is $60. Al confirms that they will be open until 2 a.m.
* Last week I stated that if you thought the Broncos were going to be good, you probably smoked crack. Often. Al discloses that he bet “Broncos Over 8 wins” in Vegas. I look for pipes or syringes on floorboard.
* Outside Kalamazoo, we start to lose signal on the Broncos-Patriots game. I say, “A Hooters or Buffalo Wild Wings would be great.” We exit on a whim, and discover a Hooters right away.
* Broncos kick a field goal to win. Al starts free-basing cocaine.
* With our bellies full and spirits lifted, we agree that Michigan isn’t all that bad. As we leave Michigan, we start ragging on Indiana. I’ve always hated John Mellencamp. He seems like the kind of guy who would give imself the nickname “Cougar.” Guys who do that are always assholes.
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Broncos at Chargers
Storyline: Ha, ha Belichick! You lost to the Broncos! Screw you Patriots. Broncos beat you! You guys suck!
Reality: The Chargers are overrated for realsies.
Prediction: Broncos 3.5 Points, Under 44.5 Points Scored
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Giants at Saints
Storyline: Remember that guy who shot himself in the ass? The Giants are 4-0 bitch!
Reality: This was news to me, but the Saints have a defense. The Giants shall be the Saints’ bitch!
Prediction: Saints Minus 3 Points, Over 47.5 Points Scored
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Last week: 3-1
Overall: 8-8
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For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on October 15, 2009