By Andrew Reilly
Why can’t the Sox beat bad teams?
Are they no match for the inherent craziness and allowable recklessness of a club with nothing to lose?
Do they suffer from some form of El Duque Syndrome, needing the most insane, high-pressure circumstances to surround them before they can channel their inner excellence?
Are they really that scared of the people of Cleveland, perhaps fearing a thrashing of the Indians would drive the good people of the Sixth City to do to the Chicago River what they did to the Cuyahoga?
It’s been postulated time and again that the trip to the post-season follows a path of beating up on the dregs of the league and at least holding your own against the big kids, and for the most part that’s been true, save for a few weak teams squeaking their way in thanks to their residences inside even weaker divisions. But the Sox’ strategy has instead relied on doing the exact opposite. Destroy the Yankees. Demolish the Angels. Salt the earth over with the remains of the Rays. Fold against the Tribe. Soil their collective selves in Kansas City. Fight to a draw against the Orioles.
Then again, maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe fretting over the likes of the Royals and O’s is a colossal waste of time and energy, both of which could be put to better use slashing and burning those Yankees and Angels come October. Maybe they’ll be okay as long as the nobodies get nothing and none but the serious are taken seriously.
If only they could play good teams all the time, this would all be so much easier. Unfortunately, they don’t really need to be better than good teams like the Yankees, Rays or Angels just yet; they have to be better than their lousy neighbor teams like the Twins and Indians which, as we have seen time and time again, they simply are not.
Are they a baseball team? No. Are they a free-swinging, wild-throwing legion of bat-wielding chameleons? Perhaps.
Week in Review: Appropriate. Snap the Halos, only to get snapped by the Tribe for a 3-3 end to the homestand.
Week in Preview: Scary. The Sox, perennially awful on West Coast trips, hit the road to square off against the Mariners and A’s, both just perennially awful. Someone will have to pay dearly for all the ugly baseball set to unfold. The Sox are probably that someone.
The Q Factor: The conversational form of Carlos Quentin’s batting average (“two twenty-six”) is in fact the product of two prime numbers (“two times a hundred thirteen is two twenty-six”). A spokesman for TCQ Labs says this is intentional and will become pivotal to the Sox’ fortunes in the “very near future, sooner than you’d like it to be,” adding that “When the time comes, you’ll know.”
That’s Ozzie!: “It was like a Little League game out there.” – Guillen on Thursday’s less-than-Angelic performance.
The Guillen Meter: His portly fifth starter vanished and his bullpen weakening, the Guillen Meter reads 9 for “Hurry up, Jake.”
Underclassmen Update: Rookie second baseman Chris Getz has stolen more bases this season (18) than Paul Konerko has in his entire career (7).
Alumni News You Can Use: After giving up a hit and a walk in two-thirds of a rehab inning at AAA Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, reviled former Sox and current Yankee reliever Damaso Marte was declared fully healed and “back to his old self.”
Hawkeroo’s Can-O-Corn Watch: The notes dropped into Grady Sizemore’s locker having gone unanswered, Hawk now focuses his attention on Mariners right fielder Ichiro Suzuki, who might just be, bar none, the greatest player ever to play this game. Bar none. And good-looking, too.
Endorsement No-Brainer: The two-headed monster of Freddy Garcia and D.J. Carrasco for DieHard car batteries: starts your game when others won’t.
Cubs Snub: The Small Bears placed Carlos Zambrano on the 15-day disabled list for recurring back spasms. Upon closer inspection, team doctors found his problems to stem from Z’s diaper, somehow gone unchanged since February 9. The staff expects a full recovery, and for Carlos to return up to 22 pounds lighter.
Fantasy Fix: Lee, Holliday and Bacon Spice.
The White Sox Report: Read ’em all.
The Cub Factor: Know your enemy.
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Andrew Reilly is the managing editor of The 35th Street Review and a contributor to many fine publications.
Posted on August 9, 2009