By Marty Gangler
The Cubs anemic offense – which has now cost hitting coach Gerald Perry his job – has also seemed to take the life out of Lou. “I don’t want to talk about it,” the Cubs skipper told the media after his squad was shut out on Saturday. We here at The Cub Factor think the next question should have been: Well then Lou, what would you like to talk about? We’ve got a few ideas.
* The best temperature for enjoying your Falstaff.
* The best place for late-night burgers in Chicago.
* Obama’s health-care proposals.
* How to save GM.
* Frozen margarita recipes.
* Mike Fontenot’s height.
* War stories from anger management classes.
* His pregnancy.
* The best place to get late-night burgers in Cincinnati.
* North Korea’s nuclear arsenal.
* How pinstripes make him feel slimmer.
* Gerald Perry bus stories.
* The best place for late night burgers in Tampa.
* His favorite Baldwin.
* The status of his retirement fund.
Week in Review: The Cubs lost two of three to both the Astros and the Twins despite brilliant pitching performances, causing Lou to name Carlos Zambrano as his first pinch-hitter off the bench. If this isn’t rock bottom, I don’t know what is. But we’ll have to do something stupid – like keep watching – to find out.
Week in Preview: The Crosstown Classic opens at Wrigley. So bone up on your misguided fan stereotypes and pretend this series means something. Is it possible for the Cubs and Sox to each lose two of three?
After the Sox, Mark DeRosa, currently the most popular ex-Cub in Cub history, comes to town. He’ll also have Wood, who is not so good.
The Second Basemen Report: The Cub Factor would like to welcome Aaron Miles back to second base as he was activated from the DL this week and started four of the six games at Uncle Lou’s favorite double-switch location. Andres Blanco (Andy White) started the other two. The bigger news was that Alfonso Soriano dusted off his second baseman’s glove and got in some action at the keystone sack on Friday. And to think we were worried about viability of The Second Basemen Report this year! So far five Cubs have played second. We are rolling, just like Jim Hendry drew it up.
In former second basemen news, Mark DeRosa knocked the crap out of the ball in Cleveland this week. He is missed in about as huge a way as possible. And he will be at Wrigley this weekend, where he will be missed even closer.
The Zam Bomb: Big Z may never not be furious again. So he remains furious.
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Lost in Translation: Citi o twinsy selectioning Jio Mauer-san over Markio Prior-san is Japanese for Best. Move. Ever.
Endorsement No-Brainer: Gerald Perry for DARE. Even with Perry instructing you on how to smoke dope, you won’t get a hit.
Milton Bradley Game of the Week: Memory. We also advise Milton to see The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 50% sweet, 50% sour. Lou is down three points on the Sweet-O-Meter because he had to fire Gerald Perry due to bats colder than his Falstaff. And just like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou knows it wasn’t Aunt Edith’s fault that your goofy cousin fell into that abandoned mine and almost died. But the cops have to blame someone so she is going to take the fall. Someone had to go down.
Don’t Hassle the Hoff: Sitting on the bench is a hassle. You can’t hit from there. And all the Hoff does is hit. So stop hassling him.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that this as ill-fitting as George Costanza’s tuxedo.
Over/Under: Crosstown Classic arrests: +/- 6.
The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch ’em all!
The White Sox Report: Now with a weekly Cubs Snub.
Fantasy Fix: The Strasburg Factor.
Mount Lou: Frustrated seismologists have issued an Orange alert just out of spite. They see Green, but they do not believe Green.
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Contact The Cub Factor!
Posted on June 15, 2009