By Marty Gangler
As I was sitting in my living room watching the Cubs play extra innings for the fourth time this week (in only five games) I wondered to myself, what’s worse than watching good pitching get wasted by horrendous hitting? And then it dawned on me: watching multiple extra-inning games of good pitching getting wasted by horrendous hitting.
The silver lining is that the Cubs won three of those games. And that got us thinking here at The Cub Factor. Here are a few other silver linings to a few of the issues facing the Cubs of 2009.
*
Problem: Lou Piniella’s gut seems to grow larger with every loss.
Silver Lining: His painfully slow waddle to the mound gives relievers more time to warm up.
*
Problem: Sammy Sosa’s bid for the Hall of Fame brings back steroid rumors and corked-bat memories.
Silver Lining: Jim Hendry finally remembers Sammy’s secret hiding place in the locker room for steroids and corked bats. Team poised for a good run.
*
Problem: Carlos Zambrano says he doesn’t want to play anymore and will retire at the end of his contract.
Silver Lining: Cubs can stop buying extra large adult diapers sooner than they thought.
*
Problem: The Cubs suck.
Silver Lining: Won’t have to waste a night in July watching the All-Star game.
*
Problem: The Cubs don’t have a backup third baseman and Aramis Ramirez might be out for the season.
Silver Lining: The Cubs have five back-up second basemen.
*
Problem: The Cubs can’t hit.
Silver Lining: Land GEICO as new sponsor; so easy a Cub can do it.
–
Week in Review: The Cubs split two in Atlanta (and had one rainout) and took two of three from the Reds. Yet, somehow going 3-2 felt wholly unsatisfying. Maybe it was the four extra-inning games that only highlighted their god-awful defense and total inability to hit.
Week in Preview: The Cubs go to Houston for three and then come home to play the Twins in interleague play.
The Second Basemen Report: Andres Blanco (!) started four games at the second sack this week; Bobby Scales got the other start. Mike Fontenot is the team’s fill-in third baseman. Ryan Freel is on the DL. Alfonso Soriano has volunteered to play second, but he’s still working on his infield hop so we haven’t seen him there yet. Just like Jim Hendry drew it up. Why not put Hoffpauir or Fox there? They can’t play anywhere else . . .
In former second basemen news, Mark DeRosa is now more popular in Chicago than a back-up Bears quarterback.
The Zam Bomb: A bomb can’t explode when it’s soaked with the tears of a crybaby. But deep down, Big Z is seething.
Lost In Translation: Andres-san Blanco is Japanese for “Seriously?” It’s also Spanish for Andy White.
Endorsement No-Brainer: Lou Piniella for Jenny Craig. A year from now.
Milton Bradley Game of the Week: Ouija Board. Because only the spirits know when this guy can play again.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 53% sweet, 47% sour. Lou is up three points on the Sweet-O-Meter this week due to not shaving or caring as much. And just like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou told you not to play with the neighbor’s dog because it kills squirrels and seems a bit off. So he’s going to finish his Falstaff before he drives you to the hospital after the dog bit you in the face. He just doesn’t care that much anymore.
Don’t Hassle The Hoff: Trading him to the AL if you’re not going to play him wouldn’t be a hassle. All he does his hit.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that National League teams with players like Hoffpauir and Fox in their systems will never win championships.
Over/Under: The number of games Milton Bradley, Aramis Ramirez, Derrek Lee and Alfonso Soriano appear in together the rest of the season: +/- 15.
The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch ’em all!
The White Sox Report: Now with a weekly Cubs Snub.
Fantasy Fix: Pujols stands alone among fantasy studs performing to expectations.
Mount Lou: Moves to green. Due to a global change of philosophy and weather patterns Mount Lou may never erupt this season. Or next week.
–
Contact The Cub Factor!
Posted on June 8, 2009