By Natasha Julius
Is that a tube of contraband toothpaste in your pocket, or are you just glad to see us?
Market Update
For some bizarre reason that no one can figure out, share prices in personal care manufacturing giant Proctor and Gamble had a sudden spike on Thursday. Analysts expect the trend to continue for the foreseeable future.
Risk Management
Health care experts cautioned this week that stringent air travel security measures could pose a threat to the health of passengers who use certain medications. As of this update, the new regulations still appear to be considerably less unhealthy than getting blown out of the fucking sky, but we’ll keep an eye on the latest research for you.
Starting Young
Reflecting a worrying trend in American public life, it appears more teenagers are learning how to lie to officials. We trust that if confronted with evidence of their questionable honesty, these kids will remember that an incredible yet irrefutable claim of ignorance is the easiest excuse.
Rehab Redux
The parade of celebrities eager to blame substance abuse relapses for their shocking affronts to decency continued apace this week. It remains to be seen whether the public will forgive future transgressions.
High-Stakes Stakes
Finally, on the eve of one of the nation’s premiere wagering events, we regret that we are unable to give you the latest odds on the Race to Destroy Western Civilization. We had Nazism installed as co-favorite with Communism, while Islamic Fundamentalism ran just behind Godlessness in fourth. However, a late rush by big-money punters to back the current War on Terror has thrown our line into disrepair. We apologize to our readers for any inconvenience.
Posted on August 11, 2006