By Pat Bataillon
I watched the D-backs work the Cubs last night, that’s all there is to say about that. If I were smart enough to realize that the Cubs would never win five in a row this season, I would have watched what was on real TV. After looking through the local listings from last night, I found that there was really nothing on. Hell’s Kitchen on FOX, WWE Monday Night Raw on USA, The Simple Life on E!, and The World Series of Poker on ESPN2 . . .
Let’s see, on Hell’s Kitchen, the culinary version of Simon Cowell probably yelled at some of the chefs. Most likely there is a chef who is a tattoed outcast with a mohawk and a couple of attractive women who will make it to the final episodes, plus a fat guy, a black guy, and a Hispanic guy. I will also bet that they were challenged by the British host to complete an unfair task and then ridiculed for their pathetic efforts. There were a couple of weeping scenes and a sentimental moment, maybe a fight between the token gay guy and the bitch. All in all, someone gets sent home and next week there will be another “impossible task” that the participants must finish. I predict that this show will not be renewed in the fall; actually I am surprised that it made it this far.
It’s even easier to predict what I missed on Monday Night Raw: Two women with fake breasts and tight stomachs dressed up in underwear wrestle with each other until one almost loses her top! Then, rather large men without shirts yell at other shirtless men and oil wrestle. A preview for the Pay-Per-View event probably ran and the show ended.
Elsewhere on the dial, The Simple Life is possibly the worst show on E! behind The Girls Next Door and E! News Daily. If these are your favorite shows, please stop reading this right now because I will be using words that out of your vo-cab-u-lary. The Simple Life stars Paris Hilton, who we all know from given services, and Nicole Richie, who was once the best friend of Ms. Hilton before some mysterious falling-out that likely revolved around a boy. I saw in a preview that they were going camping. How funny! Rich girls camping in the wilderness! They’ll never make it! There was a lot of “Oh, my God!” and “Ewww” and disgusted looks peppered in. Troop Beverly Hills, anyone?
Finally, The World Series of Poker (or WSP for those of you who still play poker at bars). This is the show that has made saying “I have trips” cool again. Other phrases that have become hip in the striped shirt world are: “river” (the last card dealt), “bullets” (possessing aces), and “nuts” (have an unbeatable hand). For people who watch poker on television, these next few sentences are for you: Watching poker on TV will not make you a better poker player, the same way that watching Tiger Woods will not make you a better golfer or seeing Barry Bonds hitting home runs will not make you a better steroid user. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
So last night, the TV schedule was filled with some garbage, but then again pretty much all television is trash. I did see one thing that would have been worth watching: Big. That is a movie that should be seen at least twice a year. It’ll make you feel better.
Posted on August 1, 2006