By Eric Emery
On June 30th, I wrote an e-mail to two friends stating that the Minnesota Vikings would win their division. After the Vikings 34-14 drubbing of the Bears, my crazy prediction might come true. As a public service, I thought I’d let you all in on other predictions I made on that day.
* Barack Obama will win the presidency and name Hillary Clinton as his Secretary of State. He will proceed to send her on very long diplomatic trips to faraway places, some not even on this planet.
* Problems in the subprime mortgage market will ripple throughout the economy, eventually leading the Big Three automakers to seek a bailout from the federal government. The CEOs will arrive in Washington via private plane.
* After a poor holiday shopping season, the Dow Jones Industrial Average will close at -242.08 in early January. The NFL will force the Tennessee Titans out of the playoffs in the national economic interest and order the following playoff match-ups: the Packers vs. the Jets; the Steelers vs. the automakers; the Colts vs. the Giants; and the Patriots vs. the NFC Pro Bowl team. The Giants and Jets will then play in the Super Bowl. The Lingerie Bowl Championship will be held at halftime.
* Fox News partners with TMZ to create two new shows: TMZ-Clinton, which will report on everything conspiratorial within 30 miles of Bill Clinton; and The O Files, which will document every way possible in the universe that Barack Obama could still be a socialist, terrorist, or space alien.
* Keith Olbermann will continue to make it about him.
* The NFL will partner with Dr. Drew to create two new reality TV shows. My guess: The Wall of Williams. and Plaxico’s BFF.
* John McCain will lead an effort in the Senate to revoke Alaska’s statehood. Sarah Palin will move to Arizona and run for McCain’s Senate seat.
* After faltering late in the season, Bears fans will turn to the Bulls, Blackhawks, Cubs, and White Sox, only to watch those teams falter late in the season.
OverHyped Game of the Week: Eagles at Giants
Storyline: In a surprise comment, the normally self-righteous Fox analyst Joe Buck states “if I had a nickel every time I shot my own thigh after stowing my handgun in the band of my sweatpants . . . ”
Reality: How many ways do you really have to explain that a guy is a fucking idiot?
Prediction: New York Giants Minus 7.5 Points, Under 45.5 Points Scored
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Cowboys at Steelers
Storyline: During ESPN’s Countdown, Chris Berman drones on about the greats that played for the Cowboys and the Steelers. You soon realize that his normally cliche introduction is an incantation and Chris Berman reveals himself to be an evil necromancer. The incantation replaces Tony Romo and Ben Roethlisberger with infamous QBs Babe Laufenberg and Bubby Brister.
Reality: Even if you lined meup in running back, this game still wouldn’t stink.
Prediction: Steelers Minus 3 Points, Under 41.5 Points Scored
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Last week’s picks: 1-1
For the season: 30-20-4
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Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. He also is a spark plug in floor hockey. You can reach him here.
Posted on December 4, 2008