By The Beachwood Hail Mary Affairs Desk
Announcer: We interrupt our regular Halloween Night programming for a special 30-minute message from John McCain – 60 minutes on CBS, and two hours on closed-circuit systems in the nation’s nursing homes.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to present in conjunction with our sponsors the Old Country Buffett and Time-Life, John McCain.
McCain: Thank you, Joe the Plumber. My friends . . .
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Amber waves of grain. Chuck Norris in a field singing a Mellencamp song. Gauzy images of white people in small town Ohio, Pennsylvania coal country, the condominiums of Miami Beach.
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My friends, many of you have been wondering where the “real” John McCain has been during this campaign. Well, I’ll tell you. We’ve been keeping him here in this cryogenic chamber . . .
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My friends, as I’ve traveled with Cindy across the country for these last many months, I’ve met so many Americans whom I couldn’t stand. I mean, really! These are the people I was tortured for? It’s all yours, Barack. I’m off to Georgia!
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Each of us has a story. An American story. Mine begins and ends with beer.
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Meet Pete. He’s a real American, and like many real Americans, he’s struggling to understand just who Bill Ayers is, and why I keep talking about him.
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My friends, let me leave no doubt in your mind: I am not George Bush. Make no mistake, America: I couldn’t stand that asshole when I ran against him eight years ago and he’s just as big of an asshole now. Now he’s screwed me out of the presidency twice!
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My Facebook friends, I want to express my gratitude for your support, and, um, how do I contact you? No, seriously, I have no idea what this thing even is.
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Barack, I challenge you to a series of duels. One each day from here until the election. Using muskets.
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My friends, I was right about why the United States should have stayed on the gold standard. My opponent voted present.
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Re-creation of McCain in the Hanoi Hilton. Live demonstration of torture techniques on his former captors and random prisoners flown in from Guantanamo.
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My friends, I implore you. This is America. The last thing we should pay taxes on is beer. Especially great American beers like Budweiser. If you elect me, I truly will be the King of Beers.
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Testimonial from Rudy Giuliani about Barack Obama’s rumored Champagne toast with Bill Ayers the evening of 9/11, with a re-created voice-over saying “On to the presidency!”
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My friends, I beg of you. No, really, I’m begging you.
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Meet Bob. Bob, do you think Barack is ready? Me neither.
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Testimonial from Mike Huckabee. “You know, when the Earth was first formed six thousand years ago . . .
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My friends, we’ve mapped out the borders of the real America here in red. On Election Night, if I lose, I want you to attack those living in these blue areas. Make me proud!
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My friends, if capitalism is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
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Cut to live shot of McCain at a rally in Florida. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And good night.
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See also:
* McCain vs. McRib
* McCain for McPresident
* Feeling McCain’s Pain
– Scott Buckner, Eric Emery, Rick Kaempfer, Steve Rhodes
Posted on October 31, 2008