By The Beachwood Light Me On Fire Affairs Desk
The new editor of theTribune, Gerould Kern, has named Jane Hirt, editor of RedEye, his managing editor. Yes, that’s right: the editor of RedEye – who as far as I can tell has never been a reporter – is now the managing editor of the Chicago Tribune.
Here are some other changes the new Tribune management team has in store:
* Editorial board replaced by the cast of The Hills.
* Editor of Streetwise new director of circulation.
* New texting-based style guide eliminating vowels will help shave newsprint costs.
* Instead of offering daycare, new Trib employees can enroll in day care themselves.
* The Trib will save money by replacing the vehicle fleet with skateboards.
* The Trib will save money by shrinking the TV grid, eliminating the History Channel, Discovery, C-Span and PBS.
* Tribune will now take summers off to get in some “me” time.
* Alumni Tribune edition, to be marketed to seniors.
* New features editor: Billy Dec.
* Investigative unit replaced by Trixie Team.
* Tribune stories will now be only as long as Twitter allows.
* Zell buys CTA as an investment in his new core readership.
* Quotes from unfamiliar artists like Bob Dylan to be removed from Zell team’s newsroom posters and memos.
* Two reporters, a blogger, a photographer and a web producer to be assigned to the new Pete Wentz beat.
* Paper will shrink in size by eliminating all news that could be construed as “depressing.”
* Feature section to be written totally in emoticons. Like, totally.
* New sports feature: Which team has the hottest fans?
* All business beats eliminated; reporters now assigned to malls.
* New metro columnist: John Cusack.
–
Suggestions welcome!
Posted on August 21, 2008