By The Beachwood Electromagnetism Affairs Desk
“Fermilab expects to lay off about 140 employees in the coming weeks – about 10 percent of the Batavia physics laboratory’s staff, once retirements and resignations are factored in, an official said Friday.”
Here are some of the other cost-cutting measures Fermilab is considering.
* New partnership between particle accelerator unit and Team Demolition Derby in Joliet.
* Eastern portion of sky declared the Forbidden Zone; will no longer be monitored.
* Subatomic muon particles will be purchased from Third World sweatshops.
* Quark division will be merged with accounting; new double-entry bookkeeping system will feature money that is or isn’t there.
* Roadkill will be used for all Schrodinger experiments instead of live cats.
* Lunch will be ordered from Pizza Hut instead of Tuscani’s.
* Magnets will now be purchased in bulk from Walgreens.
* Fermilab finds new partner, will relaunch as Quarks ‘N Things.
* Will now pretend dark matter is just darkness.
* Absolute zero will be recalculated to save on heating bills.
* Fermilab will be renamed Physics “R” Us; gift shop will sell gravity boots.
* Finally enters x-ray specs market.
* Procurement officers will use time machine to purchase items at 1973 prices.
* Employees now encouraged to use the universe’s microwave background for burritos instead of those crappy energy-sucking units in the lounge.
* Scientists will use one less dimension.
* E will now equal just MC.
* The speed of light will be held to 55 mph.
* String theory will now be applied to employee health insurance plans.
* New naming rights program, including Trump’s Theory of Relativity.
Posted on May 12, 2008