By Julia Gray
One of the advantages of working from home is the amount of television I get to watch. Granted, most of the shows I watch are news-oriented, but even those can grow tiresome and I need an hour or so of mindless crap to keep me from going bat-shit crazy. What I’ve noticed with some of these programs is the more lowbrow the show, the more lowbrow the ads. Here are just a few samples of what I’ve seen that have caused my jaw to hit the floor.
The PedEgg. This is just plain gross. It’s an ergonomically shaped mini egg-shaped cheese grater for your calloused, nasty feet. The magic of the PedEgg are the micro-files that are strong enough to scrape away those heinous calluses on your feet, but not actually slice your feet in half. The scrapings are conveniently collected in the egg-shaped capsule for easy disposal into the garbage can or on top of penne arrabiata. Whatever floats your boat. Either way, your feet will look better for sandal season and, if you’re like me, you’ll never eat grated Parmesan cheese again after seeing this commercial.
Nad’s. Really, it’s a hair-removal system developed by an Australian mom and her daughters in 1992. My question is, couldn’t they think of a better name?
Kinoki Detox Foot Pads. Are you too lazy to actually start eating better and take on an exercise program? Are you looking for that magical item that will make you instantly healthy and not cost you and arm, a leg and a pint of blood or two? Really? Then, Kinoki Detox Foot Pads may be just the cure for you! Just slap these bad boys onto the bottom of your feet before bed each night and awake the next morning to footpads filled with all of the nasty toxins that have been sucked out of you overnight. You won’t have an appetite after examining the polluted pads, so maybe that’s the hidden secret to the whole Kinoki system. As a bonus, you’ll get a set of Detox Eye Patches just in case your noggin-region is polluted too.
Part Pizzazz Kit. This is the perfect product for these folks. Anything to get their kids back, right?
Totally Nude Yoga & Tai Chi. There is something quite unsettling about practicing Tai Chi in patent-leather teddies, knickers, bras and hooker boots, instead of the old-fashioned way with a bunch of fully clothed old folks in a park or in a church basement. Same goes for totally nude yoga. There’s nothing like sexualizing two ancient forms of meditative exercise. I hope the practitioners have good window coverings because who wants to see this position nekkid? Even the most hardened of Peeping Toms would voluntarily give up their peeping ways upon witnessing this new yoga practice.
Paradise by the GoPhone Light. Whodathunk that a 70s song about getting laid in a car could be used to as a marketing tool for pre-paid cell phones for the kiddies? Well, the marketing genius that thought of it did one helluva job because Meatloaf personalized the song just for AT&T. I hope he got paid well for it. Also, look closely: doesn’t the “mom” bear a spooky resemblance to the mall singer of yesteryear, Tiffany? But wait, it IS Tiffany! I feel sorry for the “son” in this ad. I mean, really, who would want to be known as the actor who looks like a young Meatloaf?
U.S. Marine Corps Watch. Sure it’s “handsomely styled and water resistant,” but is it crime resistant?
The Bust-Tastic Enhancer. This has taken the “We must increase our bust” mantra a little too far. As does this fine product. I could go on and on, but what’s so wrong with the old-fashioned way of making the girls more noticeable?
Nyce Legs. Whoever invented this product should be given a medal because nude hosiery is the bitch of the devil. Seriously. The one thing that worries me about spray-on nylons is the possible cancer-causing agents that soak your skin with each application. Not to mention the environmental concerns that go hand-in-hand with pressurized spray cans. According to the can, these nylons are water, sweat and bed-sheet proof. But are they fireproof?
Odor Assassin. Gosh, I was really hoping this was actually this.
Posted on April 22, 2008