Your guide to March Madness, prepared by the research staff of Beachwood Labs.
Updated round-by round!
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CHAMPIONSHIP
Kansas vs. Memphis
We’ve had Memphis the whole way and we’re not about to abandon them now.
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FINAL FOUR
North Carolina vs. Kansas
Kansas is just dust in the wind. Let’s never forget that, people. Not that North Carolina is a piece of cake; it’s most positive attribute is that it’s one degree less horrible than South Carolina. If there were a Norther Carolina, we’d go in that direction, but given the choice, we’ll give it to the Tar Heels anyway.
Memphis vs. UCLA
Let’s face it, Memphis is cool. UCLA is . . . well, beachy and blonde. If the Elvis thing hadn’t become such horrible pop culture schtick, we’d like Memphis even more, but let’s all pull for the Tigers here and going forward. Automatic for the People.
ELITE EIGHT
EAST
North Carolina vs. Louisville
With an upcoming primary, the Tar Heels are wearing Obama patches on their uniform. Kentucky, however, is Clinton Country. Obama, er, North Carolina in a squeaker.
MIDWEST
Kansas vs. Davidson
Who is this Davidson, and how does he keep winning basketball games all by himself? Kansas always chokes in the tourney and this is as good a game as any to do so again. Plus, the rout of everybody’s Midwest Regional will be complete and we can go back to re-calculating our office pool odds.
SOUTH
Memphis vs. Texas
Elvis lives.
WEST
UCLA vs. Xavier
Xavier is on academic probation for not spelling their name with a Z, but then none of the UCLA players are actually enrolled in school. X!
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SWEET 16
EAST
North Carolina vs. Washington State
North Carolina is a whole state – as opposed to, say, South Alabama – but for some reason has a competing state in South Carolina. Yet, both had slaves, I’m pretty sure. So the split was over something stupid. Washington State is a real state – as opposed to, say, Kent State – but has a counterpart on the East Coast that is a disenfranchised city. That warrants going with the underdogs, WSU, even though that is awfully close to WUSS when you say it out loud.
Tennessee vs. Louisville
Tennessee should continue to be punished for its betrayal of Al Gore in 2000. On the other hand, the double-letters in its name have always looked cool, and Louisville’s moniker is the Cardinals, which makes us think of Tony LaRussa. Yuk. Tennessee by a questionable call at the end.
MIDWEST
Kansas vs. Villanova
Most boring Sweet 16 matchup ever. Final score: 25-22. Either way.
Wisconsin vs. Davidson
Davidson is this year’s Cinderella, but we always thought he was kind of creepy. Bucky Badger has his own MySpace page. So, Bucky.
SOUTH
Memphis vs. Michigan State
Apparently Michigan State has to win the whole thing in order to be seated at the Democratic convention, so we’re pulling for the Spartans against our better judgement.
Stanford vs. Texas
We’d love to see Stanford play Louisville in the championship and chew over the reams of jokes that would be made about the Cardinal playing the Cardinals. Er, maybe not. We don’t mind hook ’em ‘horns ’cause it’s kind of a dumb Texas way of saying we’ve seen a million faces and we’ve rocked them all.
WEST
UCLA vs. Western Kentucky
Everyone on the Bruins is really an aspiring actor. Everyone on the Hilltoppers is an aspiring coal miner. We’d like to take the underdog, but UCLA has really good workout equipment.
Xavier vs. Western Virginia
Xavier is all about the X, baby. Western Virginia is the same team as Western Kentucky, no? X!
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ROUND TWO
EAST
North Carolina vs. Arkansas
Obama picked N.C. to win it all; Clinton is from Arkansas (sort of). Obama unites the party. Tar Heels.
Notre Dame vs. Washington State
Like Jesus, Notre Dame will not actually rise on Sunday. Huskies.
Oklahoma vs. Louisville
Typically an entire state can beat a single city. Sooners.
Butler vs. Tennessee
Al Gore’s populism only goes so far. Tennessee in a romp.
MIDWEST
Kansas vs. UNLV
What happens at UNLV is vastly more exciting than what happens at Kansas. Runnin’ Rebels.
Villanova vs. Siena
Siena is either a color or an American Indian. Villanova is something Olde English Patriarchal. So, Siena.
Kansas State vs. Wisconsin
Our antipathy to all things Kansas holds. Plus, Wisconsin has the Dells and the Black River Oasis. Badgers.
Davidson vs. Georgetown
We’d like to go with the underdog, but Davidson? Maybe it if was Larry Davidson. Hoyas.
SOUTH
Memphis vs. Mississippi State
Memphis is one of the few cities that can defeat an entire state. Coolness counts for something.
Temple vs. Pittsburgh
It’s Easter weekend. The Jews just can’t get a break. Pitt.
Marquette vs. Stanford
Irish Catholic beer explorers from a German state take on ambitious overachievers with rich parents. Stanford wins the harsh reality bowl.
Miami vs. Texas
Miami has CSI. Texas has GWB. Go ‘canes.
WEST
UCLA vs. Texas A&M
Surfer dudes lull Architects and Mechanics into false sense of security. Bruins.
Western Kentucky vs. San Diego
If it was all of Kentucky, maybe. Chargers.
Purdue vs. Xavier
School named after fancy dessert falls to school named after classical music dude. X.
West Virginia vs. Duke
Coal miners defeat aristocrats for once in our lives.
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ROUND ONE
Play-In Game:
Coppin State vs. Mt. St. Mary’s
We predict Mt. St. Mary’s will continue its improbable run with a nine-point victory.
EAST REGIONAL
North Carolina vs. Mt. St. Mary’s
North Carolina ends Mt. St. Mary’s improbable run with a ninety-point victory.
Indiana vs. Arkansas
We usually prefer the North over the South. But which is Indiana? Plus we like saying “razorbacks.”
Notre Dame vs. George Mason
George Mason was a Founding Father who refused to sign the Constitution because it lacked a Bill of Rights. He also called slavery “a slow Poison, which is daily contaminating the Minds & Morals of our People,” and said at the Constitional Convention that “Every master of slaves is born a petty tyrant. [Slaves] bring the judgment of heaven on a Country.” Of course, he owned slaves himself. On the other hand, Notre Dame gave Charlie Weis a ten-year deal, so we’ll stick with Mason.
Washington St. vs. Winthrop
I think Winthrop was one of those New England witch hunt ministers, though the school’s website claims a Rock Hill, South Carolina provenance. The school’s motto is “Campus of Champions,” which is provably untrue. On the other hand, Washington State gave us Microsoft and Starbucks. We’ll take the minister for a round.
Oklahoma vs. St. Joseph’s
St. Joseph’s makes aspirin. Oklahoma doesn’t make anything at all, though the Flaming Lips live there. So, Okies. Er, Sooners.
Louisville vs. Boise St.
Real bluegrass vs. fake blue grass. We like the fake.
Butler vs. South Alabama
Butler is only there because the team van got in an accident and the judge sentenced them to community service. On the other hand, there is no state such as South Alabama, though I’m sure there is a part of Alabama that wishes it so. Take the Butler.
Tennessee vs. American
Choosing American would be an empty and cynical show of patriotism. Choosing Tennessee gives us a chance to make an Al Gore joke in the next round – especially if they play Butler.
MIDWEST REGIONAL
Kansas vs. Portland St.
We do not like Kansas as a concept, general proposition, or state. It bores us and makes us thirsty. On the other hand, Portland State violates our long-standing policy against States that aren’t really states. But Kansas is the No.1 seed in this region and we’d like to watch them choke later in the tournament, as they inevitably do every year. So, Kansas.
UNLV vs. Kent St.
Again, there is no state named Kent, and frankly, the Runnin’ Rebels are always an entertaining team, in part because you can also catch some of players on Inside American Jail. So, UNLV.
Clemson vs. Villanova
Clemson is really more of a football school, plus, we have no idea where it is. We don’t know where Villanova is either though it sounds vaguely Catholic East Coast Hoity Toity, like a mini-Georgetown. And we hate when people just say ‘Nova. So, Clemson.
Vanderbilt vs. Siena
The robber baron industrialist vs. the tree-hugger. We’ll go green.
USC vs. Kansas St.
Kansas does not get two bites of the apple. USC.
Wisconsin vs. Cal-State Fullerton
We’re always partial to the Badgers because of our fondness for Madison, but CSF has Cinderella written all over it. Plus, we didn’t know it had a Lincoln Park branch. CSF.
Gonzaga vs. Davidson
Gonzaga is like a favorite underground band that everybody knows about now and it just isn’t the same. Davidson is the band that Gonzaga used to be. Davidson.
Georgetown vs. UMBC
We just don’t think the University of Marine Band Corps has enough to stay with the Hoyas.
SOUTH REGIONAL
Memphis vs. Texas-Arlington
Memphis is the home of the blues. Besides Chicago and the Delta, that is. Texas-Arlington is the home of George W. Bush’s Rangers. We like black people. Bush does not. We’ll take Memphis in a rout of racial reconciliation.
Mississippi State vs. Oregon
We almost always prefer the North over the South, but Bulldogs vs. Ducks? A no-brainer – which is the only way a Mississippi school wins.
Michigan State vs. Temple
Though the DNC has decided that Michigan State’s stats will not count, we always prefer the secular to schools of faith, even if Temple is probably Reform and only in it for the food. MSU.
Pittsburgh vs. Oral Roberts
Pittsburgh makes us think of Dave Wannstedt. Oral Roberts makes us think of a sex technique, as in, “Did you give him/her an Oral Roberts?” We’ll take the sex.
Marquette vs. Kentucky
Our preference for Northern teams totally breaks down. Marquette just never seemed like a real school to us. Kentucky gave us crappy fried chicken. Crappy, but sometimes the right thing at the right time, despite the totally aggravating commercial featuring the dad who used to play in a band. Kentucky.
Stanford vs. Cornell
Stanford is a bit nerdy and brainiac for our tastes. But Cornell is a bit plate-y. It is the digital age, though, so Stanford.
Miami vs. St. Mary’s
And the name of the game . . . was murder. Haaaaooooooooow!
Texas vs. Austin Peay
Though Texas has its pockets of cool, it is mostly a menace of rather large proportions. Austin Peay, however, is as aesthetically unappealing as, say, Villanova. So Texas, for just one round. Unless they face St. Mary’s next. Haaaaoooooooow!
UCLA vs. Mississippi Valley State
MVS sounds like a nice school. I hope they get some nice parting gifts.
BYU vs. Texas A&M
We’re not big on the Mormons – no Coke? – but when it comes to Texas Army & Military, my enemy’s enemy is my friend. Plus, Texas. Talk about a state whose delegates shouldn’t count.
Drake vs. Western Kentucky
Drake is just Butler under another name. Western Kentucky is illogical because all of Kentucky is already playing against Marquette. We’ll take Drake in the hopes that they face Butler in the championship game. It will be like Bruce Wayne playing Batman. They’ll probably dress up Alfred as Wayne. Robin will be the ballboy. Hey now!
Connecticut vs. San Diego
San Diego is home to Duncan Hunter. Connecticut returned Joe Lieberman to the Senate. Go Dunc!
Purdue vs. Baylor
We don’t know where Baylor is, and we vaguely fear it is in the South and really fratty, but Purdue doesn’t treat its chickens very well. So Baylor for a round.
Xavier vs. Georgia
If Xavier changed its name to just X, this choice would be a lot easier. We’ll start the X movement here.
West Virginia vs. Arizona
West Virginia is actually its own state, not just a region of Virginia. Arizona makes flavored iced tea that sells for just 99 cents each in those tall cans. It feels wrong, but we like that tea. So, Arizona.
Duke vs. Belmont
A preview of the Drake-Butler match-up. Oh, wait, Duke is that uppity lacrosse school. There are bars on Belmont, so we’ll go with them.
Posted on April 6, 2008