By David Rutter
Words of illumination and warning to the world’s women, as if they needed it.
If you ladies wondered how sadly addicted to self-admiration men are about their junk, consider Jared Porter, who was Theo Epstein’s managerial protege during the Cubs’ 2016 World Series season. He ran the Cubbies’ department of professional scouting, though it turns out future baseball players were not the only objects of his work.
Epstein and Porter were like THIS (stock image of intertwined fingers bunched closely together). Porter thereafter took another step up the managerial flagpole with the Diamondbacks.
Fast forward to one month ago when Porter is hired as general manager of the often scandal-ridden and competence-challenged New York Mets.
A month into his tenure Tuesday, Porter is fired, which means he got to bank $200,000 of his annual salary that likely would have blossomed to $10 million over a four-year contract.
Why? You can guess. Yes, the traditional wang picture gallery sent to a female acquaintance he was trying to wang. Between unsolicited texts and photos, he sent 60 wang messages to a name-withheld foreign female journalist he encountered in a Yankee Stadium elevator in 2016.
That’s a lot of digital advertising.
What did this advertising campaign cost him? His captured-for-all-posterity wang images were worth $10 million. At least that’s what the images cost him in lost income.
No one has asked Porter why he thought sending unsolicited pictures of his wang to a journalist would work for him. Maybe his wang self-promotion had worked before for him.
Maybe he was color blind to red flags.
Men tend to think this wang-sharing is a dealmaker in their sexual quests, though there is little hard evidence, so to speak. They say to themselves: Just wait till she gets a look at THIS baby!
Women seem less inclined to send photos of their vaginas to men.
But if it could get worse for Porter, it has.
The photos he sent were not his wang. They were imposter wang photos – stock images, he says – and that admission poses another penis peccadillo. If the wang imposter photos worked as intended, how would he explain fake wang photos to his new paramour once she encountered the Real Magilla?
You do know that false advertising on wangs is capitalistic malpractice and can get you in trouble with the Better Business Bureau, not to mention your wife unless she receives the images.
There is no legal precedent to determine if the owner of the real wang has some residual rights. Can you copyright a wang photo? Can you trademark your wang? All issues for another forum.
As for the immediate problem, Porter did not properly anticipate what would follow if the female journalist turned over the photos to ESPN. Which she did.
What were the chances she would hide them? Journalists seldom hide what they know. They always spill the beans. This indicates his understanding of journalists was somewhat flawed.
And this is a guy who was paid lots of money to anticipate the future outcome of human conduct.
As for the Mets new owner, Steve Cohen is rightly sensitive about scandal in general. Despite having several billions of dollars sitting around as disposable income, Cohen barely was approved for ownership because of his own peccadillos, though none involved wang photo distribution.
In 2013, his S.A.C. Capital Advisors hedge fund pleaded guilty to fraudulent insider trading and agreed to pay $1.8 billion in fines in one of the biggest criminal cases ever against a hedge fund.
So when he bought the Mets in November, it was clearly understood he’d make the operation as disinfected of badness as was humanly possible. The Mets of recent days were usually awful all on their own, without wang photos.
Cohen also owns $1 billion in artworks, none of which are wang photos as far as we know.
In the digital dimension of the 21st Century, it’s natural that many regrettable quotes are captured permanently in the ethernet.
Like this one.
As Porter pronounced last month of Epstein’s most profound advice to him: “If you believe in something, make sure you speak up. Give your opinion. There’s a lot of tough decisions that lead to a good, quality baseball team, so make sure you’re always giving your opinion and speaking up and speaking your mind.”
Just don’t send her wang pictures.
David Rutter is the former publisher/editor of the Lake County News-Sun, and more importantly, the former author of the Beachwood’s late, great “The Week In WTF” column. His most recent piece for us was It Takes A Volunteer Village To Be This Bad. You can also check him out at his Theeditor50’s blog. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on January 19, 2021