By Eric Emery
If the NFL playoff teams were presidential candidates . . .
Team: New England Patriots
Candidate: Barack Obama
Punditry: Tom Brady is the pretty face on a team loaded with veterans of the same old cynical football strategies. Meet the new boss.
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Team: San Diego Chargers
Candidate: Bill Richardson
Punditry: Looks great on paper, but not so much on the big stage.
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Team: Indianapolis Colts
Candidate: Rudy Giuliani
Punditry: Peyton Manning’s commercials as ubiquitous as Rudy Giuliani’s invocations of 9/11.
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Team: Jacksonville Jaguars
Candidate: John McCain
Punditry: The plodder whose only chance to win it all is to be the last one standing while everyone else implodes.
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Team: Seattle Seahawks
Candidate: Dennis Kucinich
Punditry: Hanging around for no good reason.
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Team: Green Bay Packers
Candidate: Hillary Clinton
Punditry: Give Brett Favre a lifetime achievement award, but it’s time to look forward, not back.
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Team: Dallas Cowboys
Candidate: Mike Huckabee
Punditry: Tony Romo is a poor man’s Tom Brady, just as the Cowboys are a poor man’s Patriots and Terrell Owens is a poor man’s Randy Moss.
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Team: New York Giants
Candidate: John Edwards
Punditry: Something about them is just not believable.
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Jaguars at Patriots
Storyline: Oh my! Jacksonville won against a good Steelers team on the road! Can they stop the Patriots? By the way, Tom Brady is incredibly attractive.
Reality: Ten other teams could have beaten the Steelers on Saturday and Jacksonville managed to give away a big lead in the process. I can confirm that many women find Tom Brady incredibly attractive.
Pick: New England Minus 13, Over 37.5 Points Scored.
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Seahawks at Packers
Storyline: The Packers lost to the Bears in wintry conditions so they’re no longer a lock at Lambeau!
Reality: Holmgren and Hasselback return to Green Bay and find that the Packers have done very well without them, thank you. But that spread’s a bit thick.
Pick: Seattle Plus 8.5 Points, Over 40 Points Scored.
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UnHyped Games of the Week
Dallas Minus 7.5 Points, Over 47 Points Scored.
San Diego Plus 8.5 Points, Under 46.5 Points Scored.
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Results
Last week: 3-3 (3-1 Against the Spread, 1-3 Over/Under)
Season: 48-59-1 (21-32-1 Against the Spread, 27-27 Over/Under)
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on January 10, 2008