By Eric Emery
As we travel to various friends and relatives homes for holiday functions this time of year, we might find a television nearby at the same time that an NFL game with playoff implications is being aired. Do you turn the TV on? If you are the host, do you turn your own TV on?
‘Tis the season for tricky holiday football viewing dilemmas. We’re here to help.
* If somebody’s team is playing and he/she is taping the game, you shall not show any football game. Letting your guest see the score of the game is sort of like telling your guest the day in which he/she will die.
* Exception:If the game is the “hometown favorite,” then your guest should have stayed home.
* Exception to the exception: Host shall not show hometown team if said team has been eliminated from the playoffs. Yes, that means you Bears fans.
* If you do watch a game during a holiday function, the game must be played on the best TV in the house.
* The first person to stand during a commercial must offer to get drinks for everyone else.
* Exception: After offering to get somebody a drink a person takes you up on your apparent offer, you can also say “Thanks, get me one also.” This is allowed because it’s really funny.
* Just because viewers turn up the volume to the game, it doesn’t mean non-viewers need to talk louder. It just means that non-viewers must move to a more remote room. Or just shut the fuck up.
* Non-viewers must always take the hint.
* All gifts are to be opened at halftime. Saying “thank you for the gift” happens after the game.
* No double-dipping.
* Ordering pizza is not acceptable if the host has laid out any semblance of a food spread. But making plans for getting a pizza or stopping at Taco Bell on the way home is.
* If the Bears are playing, it is no longer acceptable to say “Devin Hester is ridiculous!” no matter what ridiculous feats he performs.
* Making excuses for the Bears is not acceptable.
* Any mention of Jessica Simpson in relation to Tony Romo is grounds for expulsion from the party.
* Commenting on cheeerleaders is only acceptable to the poor married schmucks who have nothing else to hang on to anymore.
* Be sure to thank your host even if your team loses. It’s not their fault.
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Texans at Colts
Storyline: Hey, the Texans have a shot at the playoffs! Maybe the Colts will rest some starters! Oh my! Look at Jim Sorgi! He might play!
Reality: First problem: Everybody and their mother needs to lose for the Texans to make the playoffs, including Ohio State. Second problem: The Colts are neither “everybody” nor “their mother.”
Pick: Indianapolis Minus 7, Over 45 Points.
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Redskins at Vikings
Storyline: Minnesota earns a playoff spot with a win. Washington stays alive with a win. Let’s now talk about the two main running backs on each team, and compare them to famous running back tandems. Sure, I’d probably mention Portis/Bettis or Peterson/Taylor to Marcus Allen/Bo Jackson.
Reality: Well, you can mention these running backs in the same sentence because it’s a free country. But it’s not prudent. Two words: BOR-ING!
Pick: Minnesota Minus 6.5 Points, Under 40.5 Points Scored.
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Results:
Last week: 3-3 (1-2 Against the Spread, 2-1 Over/Under)
Season: 38-50 (16-28 Against the Spread, 22-22 Over/Under)
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on December 20, 2007