By Eric Emery
I’ve decided to make a quick assessment of the football year for me. Here are the results:
Bears: Favorable – Orton is your quarterback.
Steelers: Mostly Favorable – At best the third best team in AFC.
Column Predictions: Unfavorable – Though better than the 12-infinity record from last year.
Fantasy Football: Unfavorable – Team finished one place better than last year: 9th out of 10.
Office Pool: Unfavorable – Currently in 40th percentile.
I still enjoy watching football since I can have some good ol’ fashioned guy time, yet the pasttime fails to hold my interest this late in the season. I’m sure others feel the same way. At this point, the regular football fan has one option: Nap. Everybody knows this option, but few have viable comebacks and diversions when the distressed spouse spots your slumber. Here are some winners:
* Do you think it was wise for the Fed to lower interest rates given that this action tends to increase inflationary pressures and decrease the value of the dollar?
* If Mike Huckabee is the Republican nominee for president, will the campaign fashion buttons say “I Heart Huckabee”? Also, will Lily Tomlin come and drop F-bombs?
* While incarcerated, will Michael Vick start a prison team called “Mean Machine” and challenge the guards to a game? Will Eddie Albert consider shooting Vick?
* Is it wise to bring a 5-year-old to a hunting trip, even if he’s a good shot? Should we send apology notes to Britney Spears for accusing her of being a bad parent?
* If human evolution is really speeding up, then why do we love Cops and Cheaters?
* Does Tyra Banks really believe what she is saying, or she simply one big joke at our expense?
* Pay $200 ticket to see legendary musical group. Some smartass yells “Play Stairway!” Group plays Stairway. Question: Does everybody deserve a refund?
* Was it wise for NASA to use the same fuel tank design as the Ford Pinto?
I also recommend you not saying any of the following:
* I was just dreaming about the fresh home-cooked meal you’re going to make for me.
* Remember your boyfriend/girlfriend from high school? You ever wonder what he/she is up to?
* That person on TV is much smarter/hotter/handsome/richer than you.
* You know, that sidewalk doesn’t shovel itself!
* Merry Fucking Christmas to you.
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Bengals at 49ers
Storyline: Since this is the NFL, you should probably just cancel your Saturday night plans and watch this game. So do what you can, because since we are showing a game, no matter the quality, you better watch it goddamn it.
Reality: Both teams have losing records, and it will probably be covered by announcers no more skilled than the average college radio station. Oh, by the way, your cable company probably doesn’t carry the NFL Network. So please go to your local bar and spend $6 on a pint of Miller Lite. Don’t complain about it, because we are the NFL.
Pick: Cincinnati Minus 8.5 Points, Over 43 Points Scored.
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Jaguars at Steelers
Storyline: Both teams, at 9-4, need to win to keep pace with some other hot AFC teams.
Reality: You’d think that a severe woodshed-style beating would motivate the Steelers. But here’s the problem: Jacksonville has an offense that gives the Steelers fits. And then we have to see a whole bunch of pissed-off, fat, mustached men (and women) in the stands. Technically, nobody wins when that happens.
Pick: Jacksonville Plus 3.5 Points, Over 37 Points Scored.
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Results:
Last week: 4-2 (1-2 Against the Spread, 3-0 Over/Under)
Season: 35-47 (15-26 Against the Spread, 20-21 Over/Under)
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on December 13, 2007