By Eric Emery
If you’re a Bears fan, there’s something you realize about halfway through each season: Math stinks. To make the playoffs, you need at least nine wins. So at the least, the Bears need to win six of their last eight to have a chance. And at that point, you might as well mail in the season because the Bears would be entering the playoffs as the sixth seed. The only team that parlays the sixth seed into a Super Bowl win is the Pittsburgh Steelers.
So let’s face it, the Bears need to go 7-1 or 8-0 to prolong the season. What are the chances? Let’s take a look into the Beachwood crystal ball.
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Week 10: At Oakland
Beachwood Prediction: Raiders work best at sea on a boat. Bears are surprisingly great swimmers, leaving the Raiders defenseless. Besides, Al Davis is really, really old.
Winner: Bears
Week 11: At Seattle
Beachwood Prediction: Seahawks and Bears compete for the same resource: fish. So either the Seahawks go hungry or tempt fate by swooping down for the tasty salmon. Besides, with the game moving to the afternoon, the home fans will be without their requisite 1000 mg of caffeine.
Winner: Bears
Week 11: Denver
Beachwood Prediction: Bears are omnivores, so Broncos and Bears compete for the same resource: tasty plants. So either the Broncos go hungry or tempt fate by standing too long by the berry patch. Besides, Denver fans are too depressed about the Colorado Rockies to care about this game.
Winner: Bears
Week 12: NY Giants
Beachwood Prediction: I’d consider a Giant to be over 7 feet tall. Bears stand at least that tall, plus weigh up to 1500 pounds. So all the Giants can do is run down hill to evade the charging Bears. Not a real talent for tall humans. Besides, New York fans too psyched out over the Yankees to care.
Winner: Bears
Week 13: At Washington
Beachwood Prediction: Technically, “Redskins” do not exist; rather the term represents something unfashionable and outdated. Bears are real. Besides, Washington cares more about what Hillary Clinton ate for breakfast than the game.
Winner: Bears
Week 14: At Minnesota
Beachwood Prediction:Technically, “Vikings” don’t exist; rather, Vikings turned into people who produced groups like ABBA and Roxette. Both groups make people very, very sleepy, leaving them defenseless against the Bears. Besides, Minnesota fans are too busy putting snow tires on their cars to care.
Winner: Bears
Week 16: Green Bay
Beachwood Prediction: The Packers are named after the “Indian Packing Company.” So not only are the Packers sell-outs, they appearently packed Indians. That’s not nice. Besides, Wisconsin fans are too busy putting snow tires on their cars and drinking a fifth of blackberry brandy to care.
Winner: Bears
Week 17: New Orleans
Beachwood Prediction: Saints might have God on their side, but fail miserably in the fighting department. Pope John Paul was a great man, but even he possesses little power versus a bear. Everybody knows the only true religion is Hinduism anyway. Besides, New Orleans fans are too busy waiting for their levees to be rebuilt to care.
Winner: Bears
Final analysis: Bears finish 11-5 and advance to the playoffs, only to have their poor running game, anemic passing game, and overrated defense exposed to a national viewing audience.
Beachwood Prediction: Bears lose 242-0.
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Bears at Raiders
Storyline: The thoughts running through collective heads of the Kool-Aid Nation: “Hey, this is a winnable game. Oakland is not good. We can do this guys! Let’s be real, we’re not bad enough to actually lose this game, right?”
Reality: Suggested thoughts: ” Hey, we both stink, but we stink a little less. All we have to do is stop the run. Granted, our run defense stops people like a sieve, and the Raiders do a decent job of that. Luckily, the Raiders second-best talent is to run three plays and punt.”
Pick: Raiders Plus +3.5 Points, Under 38.5 Points Scored (Bears Win).
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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 20%
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 10%
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on November 9, 2007