By Eric Emery
Coming into the opening week of football, media coverage typically centers on the coaching and roster changes that occurred during the off-season. But what about the changes to the media coverage? For exampe, ESPN is now featuring a 10-year old in their pre-game program. So we’re looking for wisdom from a prepubescent?
Well, okay then. Here are some other new segments I’d like to see.
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Segment: John Madden and Special (and Naked) Guest Food Network Personality Giada Di Laurentiis in How To Fix a Bacon During Halftime.
Pro: Bacon is yummy. It is mankind’s greatest invention.
Con: Madden stands in front. Splashing bacon grease on bare skin hurts.
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Segment: Dr. Phil gives his folksy advice to wives trying to cope with their husbands’ obsessive football watching habits.
Pro: Gives husbands leverage in watching more football.
Con: Gives wives more leverage in watching Oprah.
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Segment: Neighborhood Guy Guarantees the Winner Against the Spread.
Pro: Builds community.
Con: Aggressive payment program when for surprisingly frequent losses.
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Segment: Learned advanced football technology from Bill Cowher.
Pro: Tell Frank in Accounting about how you loved the Bears call of “I Right, Motion Right, Z Zip, X Drag” on that 3rd-and-12 play.
Con: Wife doesn’t appreciate your new way of giving directions.
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Segment: Office Confidence Pool Weekly
Pro: Easy way to make your weekly office confidence pool picks.
Con: Twenty-way tie for first place every week.
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Segment: Internet Confidential: The latest on sites that bypass your office’s Internet filter system.
Pro: Get your football information without alerting IT or HR.
Con: None.
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Segment: Take An NFL Player To . . .
* Work – It could go something like this.
* Dinner at the in-laws – Do you think your brother-in-law would brag about God knows what with Joey Porter sitting next to you?
* IRS Audit – Shove “documentation” where it belongs.
* Wedding Reception – Use NFL fullback to blaze a path to bathroom after your 15th Captain and Coke.
* Hospital – Have NFL player talk to the media regarding your injury. Have player give the standard “he’ll be fine” response. This gives you confidence that you’ll pull through surgery.
* Car shopping – Have player push the hood repeatedly to test the suspension. Later, have player run into door to test side-curtain airbag system.
Pro: Rock star parking and free drinks at every stop.
Con: Most players actually poor company.
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OverHyped Game of the Week: San Diego at New England
Last week I declared my Man Crush on Tom Brady. I always thought he was the smartest, and dare I say, sexiest QB in the world. Now I find Brady has been video-enhanced. Something tells me this baby Brady allegedly fathered is as real as Tom Cruise’s. Oh the humanity!
My heart cannot go on. On the other hand, this game’s hype will.
Pick: San Diego Plus 3.5 Points, Under 47.5 Points Scored
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Green Bay at New York Giants
Did you see that befuddled look on Tom Coughlin’s face last week? I recognize it. It’s the same look my parents had when I told them I shoved a rock up my nose and I couldn’t get it out. I was three, and enjoyed putting rocks up my nose. Thankfully, I no longer take pleasure in such pursuits.
Are there any great games this week? No. So just watch the one that results in the total destruction of Coughlin’s will to live.
Pick: Green Bay Plus 3, Under 39 Total Points Scored
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Last week: 4-2 (2-1 Against the Spread, 2-1 Over/Under)
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on September 13, 2007