By Eric Emery
The life cycle of a Bears season.
Stage 1: A whole lot of noise precedes a little action.
The process begins every April. For roughly 12 hours, fans watching ESPN moan, scream, swear and cheer each pick their team makes in the NFL draft. Chris Berman also works up a sweat and after all this Kama Sutraesque verbal action, the proceedings generate seven little draft picks, looking for an egg to fertilize.
Stage 2: Afterglow.
Immediately following the draft, these seven little sperm travel up the uterus and fallopian tubes of the Bears fan’s mind, looking for a fertile egg. Bears fans dream that the resulting zygote will grow into a mighty Brian Urlacher. But not all your children can live up to your dreams, and most likely the little zygote will grow into Tank Johnson and one night under cover of darkness you will leave him on somebody’s doorstep, ring the bell, and run.
Stage 3: Vomiting and food cravings.
As the zygote grows within the warm womb fed the world’s best nutrients thanks to a huge signing bonus, post-draft afterglow gives way to massive nausea and vomiting as mini-camp and late-night hijinks make fans wonder if they really wanted this baby, and why Jerry Angelo didn’t abort the pick a they wished. Bears fans soothe their anxiety by answering their food cravings with massive doses of Kool-Aid.
Stage 4: Training camp – pains and growth.
As training camp opens, the visible signs of pregnancy finally appear. Like any expecting parent, Bears fans put a lot of stock in the littlest signs. For instance, when the little guy starts kicking, we say “That’s my Robbie Gould!” On the other hand, when the ultrasound shows the umbilical cord wrapped around the baby’s neck, you think, “Not another Rex!”
Stage 5: The big day.
Usually the big day consists of sweating (from eating and drinking too much at 10 a.m.), screaming (because of that fourth offside call in the first half), and blood (after punching the TV). From there, either everything settles into serenity shared by mother and child after a Bears win, or incessant screaming all night by baby on sports radio.
Stage 6: Is our baby deformed?
Like the little babe we hold in our arms, we look at the Bears for signs of greatness. We’re happy when they devour their peas and carrots, yet we try our best to look past the tiny hands that just don’t seem able to fit around the ball.
Stage 7: The first day of school.
We teach our children the difference between right and wrong. We practice it with them every day in preparation for the first big game. Your kid might come home with gold stars – or he might misbehave and need punishment. The worst outcome is if he’s bullied. Then it’s over and you move on to your other children.
Stage 8: High school graduation.
By this time we either have a team that is taking college prep courses or making Ninja throwing stars in shop class. But the future is unwritten. The gifted student may start touching himself n math class. The burnout may excel at mechanics. Your little project is at a crossroads.
Stage 9: The 30th birthday.
Sipping your Corona Light, you realize you have reached an important milestone. Your life path is pretty much set. You’re either riding the wealth of a division-leading team, or living paycheck-to-paycheck one game behind the wild card leader, or living off the welfare of the league’s revenue-sharing.
Stage 10: Middle Age.
Hopefully you passed your annual physical and you’re going to enjoy another Bears playoff appearance. Beware if the doctors says “Oh no! I see you have a case of fumblitis and early onset Alzlacher’s Disease. If so, your season is checking out early.
Stage 11: Elderly wisdom.
Just as you acquire the wisdom you need to gain the proper perspective on life, you lose all control of your faculties and end up dead. But before you do, you advise your kids that the Bears have the talent to go all the way if Grossman limits his mistakes, the defense stays healthy, and Lovie continues to develop the young talent on the roster.
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Chicago at San Diego
Clearly, the Kool-Aid Nation approaches this game with much trepidation. To carry out the analogy, they’re worried the baby failed to develop 10 toes and 10 fingers while in the womb. I count at least nine of each.
Pick: Bears Plus 6 Points, Under 43 Points Scored
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on September 7, 2007