By Marty Gangler
Cubs fans may be feeling a bit giddy these days, but after a thorough analysis by the research staff here at The Cub Factor, we have determined that there is still plenty to worry about. To wit:
* The Cubs still have too many second basemen.
* Traffic. It keeps getting worse, doesn’t it?
* Taxes. They keep going up, don’t they?
* Alfonso Soriano. He still doesn’t make enough consistent contact as a leadoff man.
* Gas Prices. On top of the taxes, and then you’re just idling in traffic . . .
* Fat. You just keep gaining weight, don’t you? And then you’re just sitting in traffic all that time . . .
* Jim Hendry. This is so no longer his team. But he still has the power to ruin it.
* The government. It’s still there, right?
* Your back. Geez, does it ever hurt. It’s getting worse, too. What’s up with that?
* Jason Marquis. Turns out he’s Jason Marquis.
* Your job. It still sucks.
* Your mental health. Turns out you required more hugs than you received as a child.
* The inevitable Matt Murton-as-Brant-Brown Noooooooo! moment.
* The media. God they suck.
* Cubs third-base coach Mike Quade. ‘Cause the third-base coach always gets blamed.
* The state of popular music these days. I mean, c’mon!
* The weather. We talk about it, but nobody ever does anything to fix it.
* Organized religion. It’s like it has a death wish or something.
* Inevitably, a new Jim Carrey movie will be out soon.
* Ryan Dempster is not a legitimate closer. And neither is Bob Howry.
* Harry Caray impressions that are more like Will Ferrell doing Harry Caray than Harry Caray doing Harry Caray.
* Ryan Dempster’s version of Will Ferrell doing Haray Caray, which we’ll inevitably see each time the team plays on Fox.
* All the stories we’ll have to read about The Curse and that damned goat when the Cubs inevitably blow it again.
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Week in Review: The Cubs took two of three on the road from the Cardinals and the Reds each. The only downside is that life on the road can get pretty dull when no one is in a slump, because without slumps, there is no slumpbusting.
Week in Preview: The Cubs come home for four against the Phillies and three with the Mets. Some say we’ll see who the Cubs are this week because the Phillies and Mets are not the Cardinals and Reds. I say it doesn’t matter how hard the wood is when the saw is sharp and spinning. And in this analogy the Cubs are the spinning saw and the Philles and Mets are the hard wood. Just to be clear.
The Second Basemen Report:Mark DeRosa got two starts with Mike Fontenot getting the other four. Even with Derrek Lee back off suspension and the Cubs bringing up Ronnie Cedeno the second base position has stabilized. I hope Lou Pinella is reading this because he is really screwing the Second Baseman report over and to be honest he’s screwing with my whole damn column. I’d like to see Lou try being creative when all the team does is win. My only hope is for an infield with Cedeno at third, Theriot at shortstop, Fontenot at second, and DeRosa at first. The all-second baseman infield. With ex-second baseman Soriano in left. It could happen . . .
In former second baseman news, Delino DeShields is partnering with Dennis “Oil Can” Boyd in an urban baseball league designed to revive interest in baseball among African Americans. He is missed.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 78% sweet and 22% sour. Lou is up another two points on the Sweet-O-Meter. Due to more winning baseball. Just like your crazy old drunk uncle, Lou is living the high life. He finally straightened out all that junk in the garage and even got the old Ford to turn over. He’s still got some work to do under the hood but everyone at the plant said he’d never get it running again.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that the Milwaukee Brewers are tighter than a really fat guy’s belt.
Over/Under: The number of games at Wrigley that don’t sell out for the rest of the season: +/- 0.
The Cub Factor: Catch up with them all.
Mount Lou: Mount Lou is so dormant that birdies and bunnies are back frolicking where they once feared to tread. Global warming experts detect a worldwide drop in temperatures. However, skeptics note that several fault lines still run through the base of the structure and lava-producing capabilities are still strong if provoked.
Posted on July 30, 2007