Another Beachwood Special Report
First Lady Michelle Obama and Gov. Bruce Rauner were on hand in Connecticut over the weekend for the christening of the USS Illinois.
“The $2.7 billion vessel is the 13th in the Virginia class of submarines, which can carry out a range of missions including anti-submarine warfare, delivery of special forces and surveillance. The 377-foot submarine will carry a crew of more than 130 and a payload of weapons including torpedoes and Tomahawk missiles,” AP reports.
“The crest of the submarine features an outline of the state of Illinois, a white-tailed deer in honor of the state animal and foliage representing Illinois forest and prairie life. It also has a banner with the Latin words ‘Nemo Magis Fortiter,’ or ‘none more brave,’ a line from the Illinois state song.”
Those aren’t the only Illinois touches. A Beachwood investigation has found the sub has a few other features particular to its Illinois lineage:
* Moody’s has already rated it junk.
* At Rauner’s insistence, swabbies are non-union and the mess is a right-to-work zone.
* Michael Madigan controls a supermajority of the sub’s sailors.
* The Hunt for Budget October already in development.
* Built by Caterpillar, financed by Amalgamated, mobbed up by the Grand Avenue crew, and prosecuted by the U.S. Attorney.
* Huge Ditka mustache on the front.
* The ship’s brig is called Club Fed.
* Janitors provided by Aramark.
* Accommodates both Seals and Jesse White’s Tumblers.
* Only restaurant onboard is the Park Grill.
* Chain of command must present credentials to Cook County slating committee every four years.
* Project used a lot of asphalt, for some reason.
* Better than USS Indiana but not nearly as good as USS Minnesota.
* Unable to dock at Navy Pier due to typical governmental lack of foresight.
* Rod Blagojevich on KP duty.
* Gambling on international waters subject to Chicago amusement tax.
* All Emergency Action Messages will go through Sneed.
* Innovative sonar will detect the presence of an FBI surveillance wire.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on October 12, 2015