By Carl Mohrbacher
Ouch . . . My Hamstring
In a game that felt like the Arizona Cardinals won 51-17, the Arizona Cardinals won 48-23. A demoralizing afternoon in which the Bears not only lost the contest, but their number one receiver (prior to) and their number one quarterback (during) the game.
And that one really would have hurt if Arizona offensive coordinator Harold Goodwin hadn’t called (effective) passing plays well into the last two minutes of the game despite an insurmountable lead . . .
Oh.
At this point I’m confident in saying that Bruce Arians was having a little fun at the expense of this franchise after losing out on the Bears head coaching job to Marc Trestman in 2013.
While it may have looked like Bears quarterback Jay Cutler injured his face during a gutsy/foolhardy attempt to tackle Cardinals safety Tony Jefferson running back an intercpetion, word on the street is that this injury is leg-related.
Let me rephrase that.
This injury is leg?
Related?
Hearsay is almost what we’ve got to call it, because according to Coach John Fox, Cutler “allegedly” sustained a “mid- to lower- central-ish body event that cannot necessarily be classified as an injury” and his return to “Week One’s game against the Packers” is “questionable.”
To be clear, I see no need to mock the injury itself.
Yes, I Photoshopped a picture of Cutler getting smashed face first into the ground by Jefferson with a thought bubble that reads “Aaarrgh! The corner of the pack of Marlboros I stuffed in my football pants is so pointy!”
Yes, I also Photoshopped a picture of Cutler in the hot tub of the trainer’s room during the third quarter watching a feed of the Fox broadcast with a thought bubble above his head saying “Fuck this shit, smoke ’em if you got ’em” as he took a drag off a cigarette while resting his leg on the edge of said tub.
Yes, after learning that the planned namesake of Cutler’s pending daughter is that of a dog that Kristin Cavallari met on the street, I created a bullet point list of possible names for the unborn child . . .
But I digress . . .
No I don’t, here’s part of that list:
- Bernese Pyrenees Cutler
- Terry R. Cutler
- Eating Disorder Cutler
- Porkchop
Mailbag
With this season already seemingly in the crapper, I decided to open up some fan mail and take the temperature of the average Bear fan.
So, Chicago. What are your thoughts on the first two games of the season? Where do you think this team’s headed?
Back in my day, players didn’t pull their hamstrings in public. Exposing something above the ankle is unseemly. Jay Cutler is a harlot.
– Ethel, of the Hegewisch area
Uh, not really the most forward-looking letter. And I feel like we’re overly focused on Jay.
What about the rest of the team?
I thought Vic Fangio was good at defense! Why am I still fat?
– Gene, Lemont
Ok. Getting closer.
Gene, you are still fat because you eat one bag of buttered popcorn during each of your bowel movements.
I’ll reach down a little deeper into the bag and see if the next one yields something football-related.
Why did the Bears cut Willie Young? He was one of the bright spots last season.
– Joss, Wheaton
Good enough!
After doing some digging, I learned that Willie Young, Bears sack leader in 2014, is in fact still on the Bears and has recorded exactly one tackle in the two games of the 2015 campaign.
Goddammit I wish that was a fake stat, but sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up.
You see, this particular flavor of the 3-4 scheme doesn’t put much emphasis on “quarterback pressure,” or “sacks,” or “winning,” so the adjustment in philosophy left last year’s most effective defensive player effectively without a job, but not actually without one. They just put him in a position to fail.
Orders From Headquarters
The Bears head west this week to take on the Seahawks in CenturyLink Field. While the eye test tells you that Seattle is a much better team, both squads are 0-2.
One of the contributing factors to Seattle’s early struggles is the absence of safety Kam Chancellor, who has been holding out for an extra 900k in salary, according to the NFL Network’s Ian Rappaport.
When Chancellor’s teammate Michael Bennett was asked if he’d ever consider holding out for more money, he responded candidly by saying he’d considered it this offseason.
“My situation is different than his. I’ve got three kids. I’ve got a wife,” said the defensive end as he glanced around Seahawks practice facility impatiently, clutching a woman’s handbag. “My wife wouldn’t let me hold out, so I had to come to work.”
When asked why he was carrying a purse, at practice, while in full uniform, Bennett’s frustration begin to bubble over.
“Dammit. She said I only had to hold this thing for a minute while she went to the bathroom. Now I gotta carry it all over the damn place. This shit SUCKS!”
He scanned the area with purpose and turned back to the assembled group of beat reporters.
“You know what?” he said with renewed purpose. “She’s outta time. Lady . . . is out . . . of . . . TIME. I’m gonna set this down. RIGHTNOW!”
“Yeah, you tell that bitch who’s in charge!” said Seahawks beat reporter John Boyle.
Bennett high-fived him and just as he began placing the purse on the ground, Mrs. Bennett appeared behind him, as if by magic.
“Hello Michael,” she said bluntly as her husband froze in place with the purse just inches from the turf. “And just what . . . do you think . . . you’re doing?”
“AH! Nothing snuggleberries!” the startled man blurted before leaning into Boyle and hissing some brief advice. “Run, you stupid sonofabitch, get GONE.”
The writer made a break for it as the defensive end returned to his wife, awkwardly offering the purse with both hands.
“Just making sure your bag didn’t, uh, leave, or something . . . here you go!” He handed it off to his spouse and immediately began doing windsprints. “See honey, I’m working! I’m working! You can relax!”
“That’s what I thought,” said Mrs. Bennett as she began walking with purpose in the direction of the escaping John Boyle.
When a description of the exchange was told to Jay Cutler by Michael’s brother [Bears tight end] Martellus, the Bears quarterback shook his head in disgust.
“That’s brutal, man. But I guess I don’t have any room to talk.” He took a long drag and donned a ten thousand-yard stare. “I’ve got a friggin’ daughter named Fifi on the way.”
Kool-Aid (1 of 5 Mugs Of Irish Coffee)
I often fantasize about living on the West Coast, rolling out of bed and accurately exclaiming “Hey, the Raiders are on” before pouring whiskey into my Folgers.
Ah, 10 a.m. Pacific kickoffs. Seems so much classier swigging straight from the bottle at 11:45 a.m. Central.
Despite the fact that Seahawk signal-caller Russell Wilson hates his own boners*, he does possess the capacity to both throw the football and run with the football, while Jimmy Clausen throws mostly sideways passes and falls out of the end zone onto the one-yard line.
I feel like those of you who watched last week’s second half will get the reference.
The Bears have some bright spots to look forward to in the run game. Matt Forte will likely rack up thirty receptions for approximately 27 yards.
That said, Beast Mode will run forward . . . a lot.
When he is asked by the CBS sideline reporter why he is spending so much time in the endz one, Marshawn Lynch will respond, “I’m only here for the third time so I won’t get fined.”
Nom, nom Skittles.
The Seahawks are a much better team than the Bears and the Bears are down at least two of their major offensive pieces. Nobody on defense has the size to match-up with Jimmy Graham and Seattle’s return unit is going to run roughshod over Chicago’s soft tacklin’ special unit.
And given their slow start, the Seahawks will be desperate for a win.
But other than that, things should be fine.
Er, I mean our favorite team is probably gonna get crushed.
Seahawks 34, Bears 6
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* Or at least using them to enter someone.
About The Author
Carl Mohrbacher has been committing near-sentences at the Beachwood Reporter since 2010. His other current projects include growing a Cubs playoff beard, teaching pre-K level falconry and buying craft beer based entirely on how cool the drawings on the label look.
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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on September 23, 2015