Responding To Buzz Killington
An e-mail I sent out to Team Beachwood on Wednesday:
Columnist Eric Zorn offers three words that all incoming college freshmen should take to heart.
So, I haven’t clicked through. It scares me. So I was thinking, we could either/or predict what Zorn’s three words are, and/or each offer our own three words. For example:
ZORN: Study even harder.
ME: Wear a condom.
I’m so proud of Team Beachwood’s responses:
* Liquor before beer.
* Don’t read comments.
* Take late classes.
* Skip the readings.
* Parents big donors.
* Photos of dean.
* Have Rich Parents.
* Beg. Borrow. Refinance.
* “It probably shouldn’t surprise me he’d write such a hoary column, but still – has the man paid no attention to campus assaults in recent years? Shouldn’t that be something for students of both genders (or their column-reading parents) to consider? Sigh. Give Marty his column (and income and health care).
“Although I’d be even happier if Zorn’s three words had been Try gay sex, with a discussion of how he wishes he had before he left college, b/c now that he’s married and saddled with kids, it’s more complicated to explore alternative lifestyles. I’d read that column.”
* Ignore columnists’ advice.
* Fake ID card.
* Administrators screwing you.
* Buy good pot.
* Covet Schmich’s Pulitzer.
* Reject newspaper paywalls.
* Duty. Humanity. Naivete.
* We don’t care.
* Obfuscate. Rationalize. Succeed.
* Drink. Cheat. Graduate.
* Graduate. Bitch. Moan.
* Loans. Juice. Servitude.
* Don’t rock boat.
* Shut. Up. Dad.
* Blowhard. Dad. Leaving.
* Bang more chicks.
* “Who the hell is he even writing for? No college student is reading him. Is anyone under 50 even aware the Trib has columnists? (Or that the Trib itself exists?)”
* No means no.
* Bro means no.
* Say no bro.
* Bros are dicks.
* Plastics – wait, that’s post-grad.
* Self-esteem. Self-aggrandizement. Selfies!
* “Based on my students, they seem to adhere to these three words of wisdom: Adderall. Piercings. Excuses.”
* Well, spoiler alert, but if you want to have parallel constructions, here are Zorn’s:
Perseverance. Curiosity. Perspective.
Beer. Pizza. Coffee.
* My three-word response to Zorn’s three words: Jesus. Fucking. Christ.
Contributors: Marty Gangler, Natasha Julius, Tim Willette, Mike Luce, Tom Chambers, Helene Smith, Mike Knezovich, Steve Rhodes
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Comments welcome.
Posted on August 13, 2015