By Carl Mohrbacher
Como Se Lamas
I was planning on opening up this week’s column with a Princess Bride reference, courtesy of David Diehl. I feel like anyone who watched the Fox broadcast and compared the former NFL lineman to the guy filling in for Thom Brennaman will understand.
I didn’t realize they made shirts with a size 38 neck.
But it turns out when you search the term “David Diehl Fox,” you get a gift from the heavens:
Episode six of the second season of Renegade starring Lorenzo Lamas like five links down.
Thanks, The Internets!
A couple of thoughts on the intro to Renegade.
I bet the Falcons would consider offering Lorenzo Lamas a tryout at tight end. He has the proverbial “football body.” This kind of move is not without precedent – just ask Keanu Reeves.
Lamas has got to have better hands than Atlanta’s number 80, Levine Toilolo, who I’m told that due to an unwillingness to read the words on the TV screen, I drunkenly called “Larry Toblerone” every time he dropped the ball, which was like five times.
For best effect, read the next two sentences in the voice of Jon Gruden.
This Renegade intro is big on gratuitous ab shots . . . just look at that shred! I call Larry Fitzgerald “Detective Reno Raines” because every time he prowls the Arizona desert hunting touchdowns, he pours a gallon of water over his head wearing only jeans.
A weak tie-in to football? Perhaps.
But I’d get off my floor (where I am usually laying on Monday evening) and start throwing money at the television like it was a stripper without zits on her box if Jon Gruden made a legitimate Reno Raines reference mid-broadcast.
Despite my outward enthusiasm, I take some issue with the Renegade intro. Could be my scouts training, or just my natural pragmatism.
I was taught that when one “prowls the badlands; an outlaw, hunting outlaws” pouring a gallon of life-giving water over your head should only, ONLY, be done in sexy emergencies.
For example, when you need to lube up in order to emerge from a novelty cake that has been mistakenly dropped off at an abandoned repo lot just outside of Badlands City, instead of that bachelorette party in Tempe.
Unless this is the dire situation you are facing (and we’ve all been there once or twice), conservation is key.
Assuming that the tumbleweed caught on a cattle skull next to the abandoned desert highway is any indication, the Badlands City Department of Parks & Recreation will not be installing a water fountain in the area any time soon.
Also, dudes used to spend a lot more time wearing jeans with no shirt. I’m pretty sure Fred Dryer* and other members of the ’72 Rams would go to the Playboy mansion in this outfit exclusively, but by around 1994 it had become more of an anomaly. I blame grunge music.
Detective Reno Raines might have been the last guy to rock this look.
So what in the world does all of that have to do with the Bears win over the Falcons last Sunday?
[Editor’s Note: Wow. 550+ words into a sports column and so far only references to an obscure ’90s vehicle for the lead in the movie Breakin’. Not I might add, Miami Vice, which would have made some amount of sense because the Bears are playing the Dolphins this week. It’s a wonder Deadspin hasn’t bought out your contract.]
[Carl’s Retort: First off, Lorenzo Lamas was in Body Rock. Secondly, Breakin’ was the one with Shooter McGavin and Ice-T. Thirdly, Falcons owner Arthur Blank was an independent financier for both Body Rock and Renegade. I’m getting there!]
[Editor’s Note: Huh. Is that true?]
[Carl’s Retort: Um. No.]
The point is this.
Renegade, Hunter and the Bears-Falcons game were all given timeslots typically reserved for top viewing and no match-up between 2-3 teams should be flexed to the 3:25 p.m. game.
[Editor’s Note: Honestly, I wrote that last part, we just ran out of time. There were another few paragraphs about MacGyver – it had to be stopped.]
. . . And I Feel Fined
This week Bears safety Ryan Mundy was fined for last week’s helmet-to-helmet hit on Falcons receiver Roddy White. The tackle initially drew a flag, but after some discussion amongst the crew, the flag was picked up and the official ruled that the “contact was with the shoulder.”
However, the league had a change of heart after receiving a fax attributed to Mundy on Monday afternoon.
Partnering with the crack investigative team employed by the parent company of the Beachwood Reporter (Viacom), the BAOKAR was able to obtain an original copy of the note.
When reached for comment, Mundy responded indignantly.
“This is undoubtedly the most absurd accusation I’ve ever encountered. I’m a college-educated 30-year-old. I know how to use commas. Is anyone else concerned with the fact that there are likely thousands of men named ‘Ryan’ who have a last name that starts with the letter ‘M’ in this country? I’m told the inbound fax number had an Atlanta area code. Is anyone looking into this? Hello?”
Unfortunately, the forensics team at the BAOKAR was unable to pull a testable print from the note and compare them to Mundy’s, who happily provided a fingerprint sample to Det. Joe Friday on Tuesday.
The circumstances were indeed suspicious, but given the current political climate, the league was in no mood to take chances and swiftly handed down the fine.
“Yeah, that good whomp cost his beotch ass some dough,” said Roddy White to reporters on Wednesday.
Fish Eye Lens
This week the Bears take on Miami’s Dolphins.
Led by Bill “Laser” Lazor, Miami is the only team in the NFL coached by a former American Gladiator, though it should be noted that newly promoted Raiders head coach/former Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano was the leader of the X-Men in the mid-’70s.
Aside from the risk of being concussed by a shot from the tennis ball Gatling gun that linebackers coach Mark “Malibu” Duffner keeps on the Miami sidelines, one of the main concerns for the Bears this week should be containing fleet-footed receiver Mike Wallace.
The scouting report on Wallace is that he’s “not a good route runner” and that Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehill “does not have a strong arm.”
While it’s not exactly a lightning-thunder relationship, this lightning-noodle combo does manage to pick up big yards with creative uses of slants and screens.
Anyone who watched Bears-Packers games in the late ’90s knows that somewhere on the planet Packers halfback Ahman Green is completing his third lap around the globe untouched by a Bears defender.
Beware.
Kool-Aid (2 of 5 – Mojitos)
Not exactly a drink that’s in season, but I think this is another one of those games where you’ll be giving this game the side-eye for about three hours.
Whether it’s your TV or the guy you’re pretty sure is attempting to serve you a summons, you need a straw-ready beverage when your plans include skeptically eyeballing things at the other end of the room.
The outcome of this game will depend largely on what kind of performance we get out of the defense this week.
The staunch, no-name, ass-whooping linebackers who caused elite receivers to drop the easiest of passes (see Week 6)?
Or a front line lead by a defensive end who is clearly gutting out a semi-lethal respiratory disease (see Weeks 3-5)?
As is my want, I select the former and believe we will see Robbie Gould get a ton of work.
Bears 26, Dolphins 17.
*I didn’t even have to use the word “shirtless” to Google up a half-clad picture of Fred Dryer.
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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on October 16, 2014