By Steve Rhodes
The Cubs aren’t even fun to hate-watch anymore.
Every last ounce of joy has been sucked out of this franchise. Goodbye Dioner Navarro, you were the last Cubs legend.
The team is even celebrating the death this year of Wrigley Field (1914 – 2014).
Goodbye, Wrigley. Now you’re just a gum company again.
It’s gonna be one boring season, from Sleepy Jim Deshaies in the booth to charisma-deficient Anthony Rizzo as team leader. Some interim coach we can’t even work up an opinion about is managing the team this year and we don’t even have a closer identified yet whom we can pour our frustrations onto.
The Opening Day pitcher is nicknamed the Shark but his performance is more akin to imitation crab.
Some predictions:
* Welington Castillo will take a step backward – into a hot tub. Out six to eight weeks.
* Darwin Barney will once again hit below his weight.
* Junior Lake will defy management’s low expectations and thus, as the obvious fan favorite, get traded by July.
* Emilio Bonifacio will hit .270 but be treated like he’s hitting .720.
* None of the five pitchers in the starting rotation will make it through the season; three will be traded and two will get hurt.
* Starlin Castro will be . . . Starlin Castro.
* At least one of the Core Four will suffer a serious injury while another will simply have a terrible season.
* Clark The Cub will accept a better offer driving a Blue Line train.
* Attendance will be so bad by July that the team will get started on the renovation early and just work around the handful of fans.
The Week In Review: The Cubs went 4-3-1 in their last week of spring training, finishing 15-18 for the exhibition season. They will be hard-pressed to match that winning percentage in the regular season.
The Week In Preview: The Cubs are the homecoming home opener patsies of the Pittsburgh Pirates on Monday in the first of a three-game series. Then they come home to host the Philadelphia Phillies for three over the weekend. By this time next week, they’ll be mathematically eliminated.
Wrigley Is 100 Celebration: A pyre of 100 corked bats bearing Sammy Sosa’s name will go up in flames in right field before every home game this week.
The Second Basemen Report: They all play shortstop now.
The Junior Lake Show: A .284/.332/.428 slash line in spring training uncannily foresees his exact slash line for the entire season.
Mad Merch: Saturday is Cubs Magnet Schedule Day. Affix to your refrigerator and know what the Iowa Cubs are up to every day!
Laughable Headline Of The Week: Cubs, White Sox Will Be Bad, But Watch Anyway. There are also a couple of movies from rebuilding directors we recommend.
Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of I Don’t Care are easily outpacing I’m Happy To Wait A Couple More Years.
Theo Condescension Meter: 9.
Shark Tank: Jeff Samardzija gets the Opening Day start on the road because he’d be too keyed up to take the Opening Day start at home, which goes to the much-better Travis Wood.
Jumbotron Preview: 5,700 square-feet of backup catcher Strummin’ John Baker.
Kubs Kalender: Wait ’til next year 2016 2017 2018.
Over/Under: Days the Cubs will be over .500 this season: +/- 2.5. Days after April the Cubs will be over .500 this season: +/-: .5.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that Edgar Renteria is better than Rick Renteria.
Fantasy Fix: Luis Valbuena vs. Javy Baez.
The Cub Factor: Unlike Starlin Castro, you can catch ’em all!
The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.
–
Comments welcome.
Posted on March 31, 2014