The Democrats, Episode 1
The Beachwood is proud to kick off its Mystery Debate Theater series with last night’s Democratic brouhaha in South Carolina. Our commentary is provided by Steve Rhodes and Beachwood contributor Andrew Kingsford.
Note: We tuned in late, but just in time to see Barack Obama asked what he would consider “mission complete” status in Iraq and 100 percent not answer the question. He went nowhere near it. Let’s pick up the action from there.
* * *
Obama is asked about his ties to Tony Rezko.
“We have thousands of donors . . . denounced him . . . I have a track record of bringing people together around this new kind of politics . . . my first bill passed campaign finance reform legislation. . . ethics reform in Congress . . . running this campaign, no money from registered federal lobbyists, PACS . . . organizing ordinary people.”
SR: He totally didn’t answer the question . . . did anyone realize Obama was practicing a new kind of politics in Springfield until he was running for president? . . . He’s not taking money from registered federal lobbyists because they’re unregistering and then writing the checks . . . He’s organizing ordinary people into thinking his not raising money from the same corporate interests with such a stake in the old politics . . .
* * *
Dennis Kucinich is asked why he doesn’t have more traction in the race given his prescient, vociferous (my words) anti-war stance.
SR: Because my ears are too big?
* * *
Chris Dodd: “My father was a prosecutor at Nuremberg.”
SR: So Chris Dodd is the anti-Holocaust candidate.
* * *
Bill Richardson is asked about saying he didn’t call for Alberto Gonzales’ resignation because Gonzales, like Richardson, is Hispanic. Richardson spouts a bunch of nonsense.
SR: What he should have said is that diversity is such a rare, precious, and often under-attack commodity that we should be extra careful and sensitive in not prematurely calling for the resignation of a woman or person of color.
* * *
Dennis Kucinich. DK. Dice-K. Last time around, Kucinich said we should bring the troops home immediately. He was right. It doesn’t matter. This is not a meritocracy, it’s the presidency. More people still pay attention to Charles Krauthammer.
* * *
John Edwards tells the story of growing up the son of a mill worker, and going out to a restaurant once with his family, who had to leave after looking at the menu and realizing they couldn’t afford to eat there.
SR: “I still can’t afford the prices” . . . “And today, I own that restaurant” . . . we should elect someone who can’t afford to eat out.
* * *
Former Alaska Sen. Mike Gravel makes his first statement.
Andrew: You have to go now. You have an appointment with lead poisoning.
* * *
“Some of these people frighten me,” Gravel says of his fellow candidates on stage. He specifically cites Obama and his “nothing is off the table, including war” stance with Iran.
SR: Cranks always speak the most truth, don’t they? For the first 15 minutes. Then they lose credibility.
* * *
Gravel tells Biden he has “a certain arrogance.”
Is Mike Gravel the new Al Sharpton?
SR and Andrew agree we miss Sharpton up there.
SR and Andrew observe that Edwards seems to be giving the most direct answers.
* * *
Brian Williams tells Dodd that he is “the most Washington” guy up there.
Uh, no, Brian, that’d be you.
* * *
Obama on partial birth abortion: Let’s move past what we disagree on and talk about preventing teen pregnancy instead.
SR: Ever notice that Obama’s new politics is always about avoiding disagreements? But that’s what policy is! He sees problems as a distraction, like the kid of divorced parents always trying to avoid conflict and get to a happy place. Like he said gay marriage is a distraction. Yes, to him, not to a gay couple!
* * *
John Edwards has the best tie.
* * *
Hillary Clinton also looks good in her gray and black ensemble, if you can excuse the pearls.
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Obama on health care: What I would do is create a national pool for buy-in . . .
Andrew: Isn’t that what HMO’s are?
Obama: . . . control costs . . .
SR: . . . like my wife is doing at University of Chicago Medical Center, where she gets paid a ton of dough to kick poor people out of emergency rooms to keep the hospital’s costs down . . .
Obama: . . . catastrophic . . .
SR: So he still has no health plan. Hillary has thought this stuff through a thousand-fold.
Hillary: . . . not just for the uninsured . . .
SR: Exactly. The issue is for all of us – not just the uninsured, though that’s most important, but the fact that even people with health insurance can’t afford it or aren’t adequately covered. The whole system needs reform, not just bits and pieces. But to Obama, that’s probably a distraction from the real issue, which is that we can all agree we should eat better and get more exercise.
Obama: . . . we need to deal with bureaucracy and inefficiency . . .
SR: Who is this guy, Ronald Reagan? Get the welfare queens out of our emergency rooms!
Brian Willams: This one goes to . . .
Andrew: . . . the crazy guy on the end!
* * *
Dennis Kucinich says his worst mistake in public life was firing his police chief live in the Six O’Clock News when he was mayor of Cleveland.
SR: That is so cool! That would be a lot of pols’ best mistakes.
* * *
Obama’s worst mistake was Tony Rezko . . . no, it was something about leaving the Senate floor with a distracting Terry Schiavo bill at hand.
SR: That will be the last time he’ll use that answer. Axelrod is already reprogramming Obama’s conscience.
* * *
Biden’s worst mistake was overstimating the ability of the Bush Administration to carry out the Iraq war and underestimating its incompetence, or something. So, Joe, you want to be the president of the free world and have us place our trust in your ability to judge foreign leaders far more inscrutable than George W. Bush? Same for you, Hillary.
* * *
Citizen question: I have to pass a drug test at work . . .
SR: . . . and I was wondering if Obama could tell me where I can get that stuff that cleans your pee, or masks it or whatever . . .
* * *
Citizen question: Why are gas prices going back up when oil companies are making record profits?
Edwards: blah blah blah.
SR: Why not just say “Because the oil companies are greedy profiteers? Say it, damn it! Say it!”
* * *
Edwards: “We need Americans . . .
Andrew: . . . “to ride bikes more” . . .
* * *
Dice-K: For universal not-for-profit health care.
SR and Andrew: Yes!
* * *
Brian Williams asks candidates what they would do on their first day in the Oval Office.
SR: Pray. Get a blowjob.
Andrew: Set up my desktop so I can watch DVDs and cruise the Internet.
* * *
Brian Williams: Switching categories now . . .
Andrew: . . . to Things and People for $500 . . .
* * *
Barack Obama is asked who America’s top three allies are. He totally flubs. “The European Union as a whole . . . “
SR: You can’t name the European Union as a whole! “Yes, and number two are the Asian countries, and third, everyone else!”
The first answer is obviously England. And second is probably Canada. Who’s third, Japan?
Andrew: Say Australia! Say Australia!
SR: He can’t name three!
Andrew: He’s taking time out of the mouth of the crazy guy.
SR: A nonsense answer to a simple question.
Brian Williams: You didn’t mention Israel.
SR and Andrew: Oooooohhhhhhh!
* * *
Biden: Yes.
* * *
SR: Biden stealing from Neil McKinnock’s speeches in 1988 vs. Obama’s entanglements withTony Rezko. Compare and contrast.
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Crazy Guy: “We have no important enemies.”
* * *
SR: Obama is in a red tie. What a sellout.
* * *
Bill Richardson is the gesture king.
SR: Look, he’s doing “here is the church, here is the steeple.” But he forgot the people! He forgot the people!
* * *
Every candidate on stage except DK raises their hand to agree there is such a thing as the Global War on Terror.
SR: You are now all disqualified except for Dennis. Everyone else, your journey ends here.
* * *
Dice-K: “The Global War on Terror is a pretext.”
* * *
SR: Next question: What’s your favorite song? Or, If you had an affair with a former intern and the press found out . . .
Andrew: If you had to have sex with someone in George Bush’s cabinet, who would it be and why?
* * *
The candidates are asked how they would alter America’s military stance if they just found out that al-Qaeda had bombed two American cities.
Obama: The first thing to do . . is . . . make sure we have proper emergency response . . . like we didn’t have in Katrina . . .
SR: He totally didn’t answer. The answer is something like put ships in the Gulf, send troops to the Pakistan border, call up our allies . . . or maybe “I’d meet with our military leaders to determine that.”
* * *
Same question to John Edwards.
SR: John, which cities would you prefer would have been destroyed?
Andrew: Well if it’s Tulsa, Sacramento, and, let’ say, Toledo, I’d leave it ’til Monday.
* * *
Same question to Hillary.
Andrew: First I would finish reading this children’s book, then I would star aimlessly at a camera like a dazed wombat in headlights.
SR: I would invade Iraq.
* * *
Dice-K is the only one willing to impeach Dick Cheney. He continues to impress. But I think his hair isn’t meant to be parted on the side. It should go straight back. He’s forcing the issue, like Edwards.
* * *
Brian Williams quotesNew York Times columnist Tom Friedman, who was as wrong about the war as anyone on the planet. Question goes to Biden.
SR: I propose we shut Tom Friedman up.
Biden: Some variation on that.
* * *
SR: Crazy Guy would’ve been great on the two cities question.
* * *
Brian Willams asks Crazy Guy about the French system of, um, something. Nobody knows what he’s talking about.
Crazy Guy answers anyway: We are mischaracterizing terrorism! Terrorism has been in civilization forever . . . it’s like the war on drugs, it doesn’t work.
* * *
Brian Williams asks the candidates what they have done personally to help the environment. Obama says his campaign had an Earth Day event. The question was about what he has done personally. He tries again with a campaign issue. He is asked again. He says he is trying to teach his daughters to use better lightbulbs.
* * *
Dice-K attacks Obama.
DK: “You made a very provocative statement. You previously said all options are on the table with respect to Iran. It’s important to reflect on the real meaning of that. You’re setting the state for another war . . . the connection between global warring and global warming is oil. Quit using war as an intrument of policy. Use energy policy . . .
Obama: It’s not disputed by any expert that Iran is in process of possessing nuclear weapons.
DK: It is disupted!
SR: It is disputed! That’s the crux of the issue – Iran says it’s only interested in civilian use of nuclear energy, and even if they were interested in nuclear weapons, it’s in dispute whether they are “in the process of possessing” them!
* * *
Crazy Guy: You know who is the greatest violator of nuclear non-proliferation?
Crazy Guy, SR, Andrew: We are!
* * *
Crazy Guy: Who the hell are we gonna nuke? Tell me, Barack!
* * *
John Edwards is asked who his moral leader is.
SR: Jesus! Or, “My wife has breast cancer.”
Edwards: (uncomfortably long pause).
Andrew: Anton LaVey.
SR: Bon Scott.
Andrew: Because he lived fast, died young, and left a scrawny rock and roll corpse.
* * *
Post-Debate Punditry
SR: The conventional wisdom will be that no one won; Richardson hurt himself; the first tier helped itself; and a slight edge to Edwards.
Andrew: If I send my question in, it will be answered by the end of the campaign? Brian Williams just guaranteed on national television that our question will be answered!
Andrew: No one’s shaking hands with the crazy guy.
* * *
Chris Matthews says Obama was the most sophisticated.
Andrew: In a pig’s eye! Just like Obama’s convention speech was fucking Gettysburg when the best speech was Sharpton’s! But he was off-the-reservation . . .
* * *
Andrew, after a few more minutes of Matthews’ expert analysis: Did we just watch the same debate?
SR: Yes, but he doesn’t know who Bon Scott is.
* * *
Matthews says none of the candidates was willing to look any of the others in the eye.
Andrew: Oh, pig’s ass! Crazy Dude was!
* * *
SR: Biden and Dodd were the adults up there tonight.
Andrew: Richardson is an administrator.
SR: A cabinet officer.
* * *
SR: The expert analysis now isn’t about the substance of the candidates’ answers, but how slickly they strategically avoided questions or manipulated the audience and viewers. Journalists have totally internalized the values of political consultants, who are paid to elide the truth while journalists are supposed to seek it. Partially that’s because many of the “reporters,” pundits and experts being called on are political consultants! And partially because journalists think they will be perceived as naive if they are earnest, while showing an insider’s knowledge of the game shows them to be savvy, when in fact it really shows them to be cynical.
* * *
SR: Obama is getting the George W. Bush standard – he just has to avoid drooling like an idiot to be declared minimally competent. The press never learns.
Posted on April 27, 2007