By Eric Emery

“If the season ended today . . . “
One of the silliest pastimes is to utter the words “If the season (or election) ended today, X would win.”
American philosopher and old-timey crap QB punching bag Jim Rome once said, “If my aunt had nuts, she’d be my uncle.”
But for some reason, if my aunt had nuts somebody would complain about him using the bathroom conforming to his gender identity.
But if the season did end today, Hull City, with their 13 fit senior players, would be in the Champions League next year (super unlikely) and AFC Bournemouth would be relegated.
And as I shared last week that will never happen with all metaphysical certainty.
Here are other things that would happen if the season ended today:

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Posted on August 16, 2016

By Marty Gangler

Losing winnable games in the late innings is a real kick in the nuts. But even good bullpens do that from time to time.
I’m not saying the Cub bullpen is good, because right now, they really aren’t so good, but I’m saying that even the good ones blow some games here and there.
So yeah, it’s going to happen. We all just have to hope that things get turned around in these last handful of weeks in the ‘pen so things are a little rosier moving into the playoffs.
But what the heck is wrong with Jason Heyward?

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Posted on August 15, 2016

By Roger Wallenstein

Driving east on Division one morning a few weeks ago, I crossed Dearborn and spied a familiar figure on the Northwest corner. There in full Cub regalia, including a batting helmet rather than a hat, stood Ronnie (Woo Woo) Wickers, reading a newspaper, minding his own business, and attracting not so much as a honking horn or a high five from passing pedestrians. The guy could have been invisible.
Not so long ago, Ronnie would have been engaged in goofy exchanges, and he might even have offered a “Rizzo, woo! Bryant, woo!” to entertain the gaga fans, who would immediately text their friends, “You’ll never guess who I just saw.”
But those days are long gone. Whether fans found guys like Ronnie totally annoying or pleasingly entertaining, there was no arguing that he was part of the scene on the North Side. He usually found friendly fans to provide him with a ticket to the bleachers where he led cheers. When his decayed front teeth resulted in a wide gap in his uppers, fans took up a collection so that he could be outfitted with dentures.

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Posted on August 15, 2016

By Jim Coffman and Steve Rhodes

Winning Weird: Everything’s Coming Up Cub; Grandpa!; Tommy La Stella’s Search For Purpose; Jason Heyward Is A Remarkably Bad Hitter Right Now; Funky Drumming Bullpen; All Addison Russell Does Is Hit With Runners In Scoring Position.
Plus: MLB Forces White Sox To Finish Season; Tickets Will Actually Be Sold. Call Team For More Information.
And: We Miss Matt Slauson, And So Too, Apparently, Do The Bears; Denver’s Wildcat; This Is It, John Fox; We’re Already Tired Of You Going 6-10 Every Year.
Finally: Amazing Feats Of Human Endeavor (Rio 2016 So Far).

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Posted on August 12, 2016

By The Onion

“Years of training allow Olympic archer Sarah Voegel to somehow resist shooting arrows at fans, stadium ushers, or birds flying overhead.”

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Posted on August 12, 2016

By Thomas Chambers

In our past week or so of shows, the passwords were “Wow,” “Dammit,” “Uh-Oh,” “Splash,” and “Delicious!”

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Posted on August 12, 2016

This season is supposed to the year the “Zero RB” strategy becomes the default strategy for drafting fantasy football teams, wherein everybody waits until the fourth or fifth round to draft their first RB.
What that means, of course, is that some of us might find ourselves with a great big opportunity to pick up a really good RB with late first-round and early second-round draft spots . . . if we dare.
Here’s my RB rankings, with a couple of notes on when to draft them:

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Posted on August 11, 2016

By Edward Etzel/The Conversation

Last week, while sitting in traffic, I noticed a weathered bumper sticker with a little acoustic guitar on it that said: “Real musicians have day jobs.”
I presume most of us do have day jobs, but as the Rio Olympic Games begin, for some reason – maybe because I’m an ex-Olympic shooter – I wonder about the hundreds of young women and men who have tried (with many failing) to represent the United States in the 2016 Rio Olympics.
Real musicians and Olympians seem to have a lot in common. They have ambition and enthusiasm for their craft. But like musicians, these talented young people have to pay their electric bills too. How do they support themselves and their families, all while having to diligently train, often several hours a day over the course of years? How did I pull it off?

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Posted on August 9, 2016

By Eric Emery

Because only a small handful of clubs have won the English Premier League championship, it’s often more fun to talk about the three worst teams each year that will be relegated – demoted to, confusingly, the Championship league.
So with a new EPL season starting Saturday, it’s time to discuss the race to the bottom. Here are the reasons your team will be relegated:

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Posted on August 9, 2016

By Marty Gangler

Through the course of a Cub Fan’s career you get used to a number of things.
One of those things is the Cubs ultimately losing, of course, and with that comes the second-guessing (and first-guessing) of Cubs management.
This would concern trades, free agents, draft picks, the roster, playing time, strategy, etc. Just all of that stuff.
And typically you would have really good cases for your thoughts – like you didn’t feel wrong about things too often.
Because the Cubs always seem to “cub” something up.

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Posted on August 8, 2016